Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

When you have taken all that you can take. Everything on your body hurts. You can't smile anymore. When no one seems to care anymore whether you live or die. When the children warn you about your behavior. When relatives are fearful he might kill you. When you can't do the things you like to do without worry. It's time to go. Nicholl McGuire

She went snooping yet again in search of something that proves he was with another woman the night before, and she found it.  But what she didn't know, is that he was standing behind her, watching, the whole time she rumbled in his bag!  Uh oh... His Money When a woman agrees to be in a relationship where the man is footing the majority of the bill, she knows that she has to not only respect the head of house, but also the money as well.  She can't spend the money on whatever she wants, when she wants without asking her man permission.  This is why so many women make their own!  Some women don't like to hear such things, but when a man takes over the finances, there are typically rules that one follows just like if a woman was the bread-winner in the household.  However, in a world where women are abused every five seconds, money is scarce for many.  The man controls everything and if the woman rubs her moody partner the wrong way, she risks being put outdoors.  J

Some people may wonder why women and men remain with their toxic partners for so long. They have many reasons from children to money, but until they are ready to leave, they will settle. Settling means dealing with the emotional and/or physical abuse. Now we all know it is never a good idea to be with someone who is hurtful toward you, but sometimes women and men will put their time in, so to speak, until they are mentally and physically ready to leave. However, sometimes they never make it out of a terrible partnership alive. So what are the victims of abuse doing to stay motivated to be with a mate? 1. They busy themselves. The more projects to do, people to care for, and places to visit, the more the person in an abusive relationship will look the other way when it comes to a partner’s abuses. For some people, they become so good at running, they begin to think that all is well at home until a partner starts “loosing it” again. 2. They distract themselves fr

Everyone has to tip toe around her temperamental man.  She has brought much drama into the family when she got with him and people are angered with her because of it.  As the holidays fast approach, the couple has been arguing about money, family, and where to put a Christmas tree.  There is unnecessary chaos in the woman's home and it only got worse when he hit her, again! This is just a made-up scenario, but it happens, couples fighting over so many things and relatives and friends can only further complicate matters with, "She deserved it...you know how she can be.  Let's eat."  Abused women will be showing up at family gatherings everywhere trying to excuse yet another bruise for being "...my fault."  Well, don't buy into that one!  Ask yourself, "Why would a grown woman have black and blue marks on her face, hands, arms, stomach, back, or elsewhere and it was all her fault?"  Unless she fell down somewhere with no one around, then okay

Weeping endureth the night so who would have guessed the night Baby, why do you have a knife I didn ʼ t mean it, I love you, your my wife lets talk about this all things are possible with God in the mix Put it down and give me hug All I wanna do is Love this argument got way out of order It was my fault, sort of but that ʼ s does ʼ t matter I move slow as if I instantly gotten fatter Was it the attention, was it my tone, could it be the money I would give all up if you will still be my honey Let me hold you, no more mourning Cause joy is coming in the morning by Shane O'Garro

NOTE:  Some men might change, but not all especially when drugs, alcohol, bad associations, and ignorance is involved.  A hatred of women, self-hatred, personal prejudices, and more will only aggravate an already bad situation that should have ended a long time ago.  A man who wasn't always verbally abusive might go about his relationship differently, but don't hold your breath, create distance from someone who is hurting you.  Listen to what verbal abuse sounds like at its worse below:  Example of a Verbally Abusive Relationship that Didn't Change!

1. They won't all love you just because you do and say nice things. 2. They won't respect you if you should dress too sexy, act too boldly, or run with the wrong company of people. 3.  They don't much care what your family thinks and will work hard to get you to focus solely on what they think. 4.  They become jealous when you smile, converse long, and act polite toward other men. 5.  There are those who will act like me.  So if you don't like me much, then make a better selection. A little advice goes a long way, but when dads are too busy doing everything else, but being good fathers, oftentimes daughters don't truly know the difference between a man who sincerely loves and appreciates them and one who is simply using and abusing them.  Therefore, if the first man in a little girl's life was mean-spirited and (emotionally and/or physically) abusive toward her mother, then what do you expect she is going to do until she grows up and gets wise?  Be dra

When Ready to Break up with the Narcissist What to Expect

When I reflect on a time in my life when I was so angry at a man who claimed to have loved me, one thing that stood out most in my mind was his repeated, "I'm sorry...I apologize."  He was sorry alright and so were some of those after him!  Sorry men with sorry lifestyles wanting me to complete them!  I had grown weary of trying to convince the mentally disturbed that I was being faithful, open, true, dedicated to the relationship, willing to be all things to them--you name it!  And what about me?  How many more apologies was I willing to accept before I ended up in a hospital, jail or six feet deep? An abuser whether emotionally or physically demeaning is going to apologize, because he knows that it works.  "He/She will forgive me," the abuser tells his or her self.  But a victimized woman or man who is at his or her breaking point, will put one's foot down one day and say, "Not good enough!  My freedom and sanity are far too important to me to kee

To awaken those who are asleep when it comes to what a healthy functional relationship looks like, the following videos have been posted.  Enjoy! An abused woman can grow into a controlling woman needing to dominate her man, family and others. Learn more: Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate shares her story on television show Is it really love that he feels for you and vice versa or is it manipulation?

Most women who meet men are seeking to be loved, respected, and protected.  The last thing they want is a man that is troubled or mentally challenged.  But unfortunately, these men exist and their strange, controlling ways can drive your mind to a place where you don't know whether you are coming or going.  So what might be some early signs that your man is driving you insane? 1.  You obsess over trying to fix things for him in an effort to pick up his mood while putting down your own. Everyone makes mistakes, but when in a relationship with someone who is mentally troubled, mistakes are unacceptable.  Not only that, when he makes an error, doesn't feel good, or like something, rather than admit his fault, he looks around for others and things to place the blame.  You might help him by doing things to appease him, but even still, his mind is made up to remain angry, bitter, and confused about whatever the issue is.  There is nothing you can do about that, I repeat nothing y

If you are questioning some things about a new relationship and the person is leaving you feeling strange--almost attacked verbally--that is until he or she smiles and acts as if everything is okay and then strikes again...you might want to read the following: The 6 Steps of Dating a Sociopath

When you have been out of an abusive relationship for some time, one can be a bit self-righteous.  Some women and men fail to realize that there is a process that many must undergo physically, mentally and dare I say it, spiritually (because there are those who skip over that part and end up right back with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive) before you can break free.  But for those readers who don't understand the depth at which an abusive relationship affects others will compare their own lives, thoughts, opinions, and experiences on what they believe others should do now, not later. Being that I went through a journey to work on loving someone who didn't love his self, I don't encourage people to stay with their abusers, but what I do is speak with the one who is working hard to make something happen that just isn't meant to be, hence the title, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."  Sometimes former abused women and men can be like a stric

Do you often feel nervous, sad, angry, depressed, or even crazy around your spouse? Chances are there is something that he or she is saying that is systematically sending you over the edge.  Learn more about emotional abuse today.  Heal from the name-calling, silent treatment, and other negative behaviors a partner is doing to you--find joy in living once again with or without her or him! 1.  Dr. Phil shares emotional abuse signs 2.  Understanding domestic violence and abuse 3.  Types of emotional abuse 4.  Five Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship 5.  Spiritual message about emotional and physical abuse

Sometimes we assume that young women who date older men, must be naive, gullible, unintelligent etc.  But the truth is, they are smart.  They know what they want, they just don't know how to communicate it at times.  This comes with maturity.  A young woman must have some time to experience life, but when she is dating men much older, she is often feeling like she has to learn quickly or otherwise lose her mind, her man, and her behind! Communication isn't just what the young woman says, but how she says it in her attire, associations, and what she does when she is not with an older man.  But problems in these relationships happen when an older man doesn't have the time, patience, or understanding when it comes to young women. Some men have been raised by controlling mothers and fathers that rather beat a son, daughter, or even someone on the street into submission, then to explain much of anything.  When one is with a hot-tempered, older man, he expects a young woman t

Learn more: Domestic Violence

"I'm content...I love him.  We have our ups and downs, but we are doing better...He's a good guy," the abused wife/girfriend says. Stop lying! Most women are not going to reveal much about how they truly feel when it comes to their partner.  Maybe one or two people might know more than others, but for the most part, if the abused woman hates the very ground her mate walks on, then no one but Jesus truly knows. Deep anger, resentment, and evil thinking can be hard to detect if the abused woman is a great actress (some of you reading this are just that).  A smile, kind words, and thoughtful deeds for one's spouse are some of the things abused women will do so that those around them don't know what is really going on. Women who lie, steal, cover, and do other things for violent, angry men don't realize that they are enabling them to keep doing bad things to them and others.  They think they are saving themselves from yet another argument and beating, so

Some couples just don't get it, they are not meant to be with one another, but since they insist on "making it work...we love one another," then it would make sense to do the following if they think for a moment they can have a good relationship one day. 1.  Learn to listen and shut up. 2.  Stop watching violent shows and listening to angry and sad music. 3.  Avoid alcohol and drugs. 4.  Don't visit relatives and friends' homes who you know don't like you or your mate. 5.  Fight when your children aren't around. 6.  Permit people who know more than you to counsel you through your storms. 7.  Keep your business to yourself. Nicholl is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

Cursed me out the other day, he had a lot to say somehow I was blamed for everything including the bathtub's dirty ring. He says, "You need to clean up, get off your lazy butt!" I told him, "I wish your mouth would stay shut!" That's when he got up in my face and told me, "Stay in your place!" I had lost it, went to the closet... took his stuff out, and told him, "Get out!" Tired of the name-calling and swearing. Tired of looking at him and caring... "What does he think about this and that and am I really getting fat?" But he tells me he loves me and can't we work some things out. He says so many nice things after I tell him, "Just get out!" Then I say, "Okay, what more do you need to say?" Then he says, "You remember our wedding day." Looking at him, my face still grim, thinking, "Why the f&*k do I still love him?" Pain, gain, pain gain, feel like my head

With so much drama going on in one's family, it isn't any wonder that many people mentally and/or physically crack up!  The yelling, swearing, fighting, and destroying property is just some of the negative reactions that partners of angry men and women have to put up with until they can finally get to that moment in their lives where they say, "I have had enough!" There is healing for survivors of bad relationships and don't let anyone tell you any different!  It may take months or even years before one can get over some things, but those of us who are so far removed from our past know that there is healing!   Some of you have been considering going to church, while others are thinking about seeing a counselor, but then there are those who think they can find their way out of their drama on their own!  Best wishes to you!  People who don't have a reliable and adequate network of people, as well as the income, and other things to help them get out of their

He threw something, swung at a friend, gets frequently angry with sales clerks and slams doors, you reason, "Well he is just upset, he will get over it."  But how many episodes like this have to keep occurring before one day he decides to blow up on you? Walking on egg shells around an angry mate, making excuses for his (or her) behavior, and telling others, "Watch what you say...don't act like this...and you know how he is..." isn't normal.  Who wants to worry over what a partner might do so often?  Evidently your mate has a problem controlling his temperament.  Now you can play the "keep the peace" game until he gets violent with you or you can opt out and seek a plan of escape.  Your choice. Read Ten Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics

What Causes a Man to Hate a Woman? Does a Man who hates his mother, hate women in general? Is it Righteous to Hate?

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser - MHM: Relationships

Awhile back, I posted this video and felt the need to post again.  If you are still coping with someone who is emotionally and physically draining, please listen. May God give you the spiritual guidance to deliver you from the enemy's vices so that you can experience real joy!  God bless.

Thought she had everything figured out went to church and gave a shout. Moved on with life and felt real good until something inside said, "I wish we would..." Went against all sound advice, went back to her old vice. Couldn't face the fact she failed, a new life she had derailed. Needed things to go right, wasn't ready to see the light. "If the relationship was going to make it," she reasoned, "I had best be ready and seasoned." So she decorated her lost self, made gifts like Santa's little elf. For him, she cooked, cleaned, and gleamed, while things didn't appear like what they seemed. He was happy as long as she didn't change, so she stayed in his view, his controlling range. But one day she had her own thought, she only did as she was taught. Had been to a higher institution of learning, but at times she wasn't all that discerning. Her man wasn't supportive of who she was, and all those thin

They tried to warn you, but you didn't listen.  So in love, you keep spending your money, time, and energy on a man who has a history of using and abusing women.  He may not be as mean-spirited as he once was and he might be okay with you going here and there, but something on the inside of you feels an overwhelming need to keep doing for him at energy levels that might eventually put you on your back in a hospital bed somewhere! When you are upset with him, you have learned how to redirect your anger.  You will talk harshly to the children; rather than your husband/boyfriend/partner.  You will distract yourself with people and their dramas outside of your home so that you don't have to deal with the two-legged one sleeping next to you.  You justify your behavior with "being there for others" and "helping people" while you claim, "My life isn't so bad.  At least my man doesn't do this or that...like her's."  But let's talk about y

You heard the stories many times when women get involved with angry men (or men get involved with angry women) and before long the couples are riding on a merry-go-round of madness! She is often upset about Abusive Him while he is trying to figure out a way to let go of Emotional Her--this time for good.  The pair are often yelling, bitter, and at times downright rude to one another.  Witnesses try to intervene but to no avail.  Even God attempts to talk to these two during quiet moments of the day, but they aren't listening. One day they are in love and are defending one another like they were always on their best behavior.  The next they are fighting with one another to the point that someone is bleeding.  He says, "It is her fault I act this way..." while forgetting his personal history of mayhem with family and other girlfriends in the past.  She claims, "He loves me...we just have fights sometimes--everyone has problems!"  Not like this couple.  Someone

A long line of abuse, mayhem, violence, and more in one's family history will contribute to challenging future decision-making if a child is not taught how to love.  Then when the child becomes an adult, he or she will find it difficult to break generational curses without the need of spiritual influence or something else that may or may not be good for one's soul. I thought of my personal family history and was sick to my stomach when I heard all the evil stories.  Women were treated like nothing more than cattle in my family.  They were pushed around, told where to go, and given tokens of attention, affection and material wealth if they earned it.  Be a good wife, you get rewarded.  Be a good woman, you might get to have the privilege of sleeping with a handsome man a second, or third time.  Who knows he might even stay and be a father to your future offspring--that is until the next young woman comes along?  Be dependant on a man and you just might get to ride in his car,

Nicholl reading from book Laboring to Love Myself from virtualassistant on GodTube .

Abusive partners rob you of your joy, prematurely age you, and make you feel like everything is wrong in your life even when it isn't.  You might find yourself overly critical of others, sensitive when someone says the slightest thing you don't agree with, and often carrying emotions that are downright mean.  This is what people feel like who remain with abusive partners. If he or she is cheating, often lying, physically abusive, or frequently angry about people, places and things, a person in a relationship with an abuser is trying hard not to be a problem.  The victim is going to bend over backwards in everything he or she does just to make sure that the angry man or woman is not disturbed.  The victim knows that if his or her partner becomes upset, he or she will be like a dartboard suspended to a wall having to catch the darts of the mean one.  This is why certain relative's and friend's calls or visits might not be entertained because the emotionally unstable par

You made that mistake maybe once, twice, or more getting involved with someone who just can't seem to leave you alone.   For some of you reading this, you hide every morning from a mental case.  Others have to change phone numbers like underwear, just to keep this person from sabotaging your mental state of being. If you haven't contacted the authorities you should, but if you are dealing with a mental case who is an authority, you might have to change your name, leave the country, and do other radical things for peace of mind and safety.  Unfortunately, we live in a world that doesn't always protect and serve as some of you know already.  When dealing with those who "can't live without you...need you...think of you all the time..." be sure that the security team at the places you frequent have a photo of the person who is stalking you, making up stories, etc.  Also, be sure your family knows about this person too.  The last thing you want is to show up mi

Having relationship woes?  Don't feel at peace about some things?  Many couples reach a place in their romance that they just don't know what to feel, say, or do concerning a mate that seems to have a lot on his or her mind and doesn't seem like the nice person he or she once was.  This person may even act strangely wrecking havoc on you spiritually, mentally or worse physically. When you don't spend the time doing the following like:  reading about issues concerning your mate, interviewing him or her, talking to others about your challenges, praying, and of course having that self-talk, you will go along with just about anything this troubled person puts out.  Your mind will convince you that he or she is "okay, alright" until the next battle comes up.  Then you are left standing there trying to figure everything out all at once--bad time to problem solve with tears in your eyes and yelling.  If you are not ready to break up, then in the meantime you might

Some abusive people will claim that they are "better...different...and learned from my mistakes..." but unless they have had some kind of brainwashing therapy, they are still very much the same--the mean spirit is simply in hiding. Take a moment to test people with abusive pasts who claim to have changed.  Ask them about people they like, music they listen to, and places they like to go.  Although strange to start a dialogue like this with an abuser, this small talk will put the individual at ease.  Before long, you will see a familiar personality show up, especially when you start talking about controversial subject matter. As much as we all would like to think that anyone claiming to have a faith or is "in a different place now" has changed, the reality is this mean-spirited person is more likely to say or do something to trigger old emotions within us that will want nothing more than to protect us.  You may find yourself arguing with the abuser, getting hys

Some men just don't want to admit to the fact that they are getting older and with the aging process comes change, not only with his body, but how he views himself and his personal relationship with someone from five months to 15 years plus. For middle age men in denial, they rather blame relatives, children, the job and anything else standing in their way for things like emotional outbursts, forgetfulness even hot flashes.  But the truth is what causes some men to rage is fluctuating hormones due to: low testosterone a poor diet (such as skipped meals, overeating, or eating far too much junk products and drinking alcohol), too much sex or a lack of, no exercise, a lack of sleep, and more. A man with a hormonal imbalance may not have a history of abusive behavior, but when going through a midlife crisis (30-55 plus) he just might start acting mean-spirited.  Therefore, this is why a partner will labor to love her man anyway despite a past abusive episode.  There may have only b

Being Married, Doesn't Mean be Controlled for Better or for Worse

Some people are being emotionally and physically hurt daily (or periodically) by someone in their family.  From fathers to cousins, people who claim to love them, are using and abusing them for their sick pleasures! A working mother, an ailing guardian, or fearful sibling living in the home may or may not know what is going on with the little girl or boy who is often in trouble, sad, or angry.  Meanwhile, the abuser is getting away with hurting someone they are entrusted to care for.  Children are not put on this earth to be abused, but some individuals assume that because others have done hurtful things to them or they once did the same things when they were a child, then it's okay.  But it's wrong!  It's so wrong! A child's body is not able to handle something meant to be shared between two adults.  Think about all the complications that abused victims go through without any help.  Mentally they are unstable.  Physically they have illnesses, that for some, they

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