What You Need to Know about Domestic Abuse

We have seen the movies, listened to talk show hosts, heard stories about relatives, friends and co-workers, and some of us were victims ourselves, domestic abuse hasn't gone anywhere.  No matter how much a civic group preaches about "no more abuse,"  there will always be someone somewhere who feels that it is his or her right to abuse over and over again!

What we already know about domestic abuse is that it is a pattern and/or cycle of controlling behavior and this typically occurs with people who live together or have lived together.  The behaviors can be life threatening and lead to a premature death for victims.  Domestic abuse spreads throughout generations and it doesn't matter your background, ethnicity, faith, gender, sexuality, social class, etc.  However, what we need to know is that in times of crisis (such as what we are still in), the abuser is more agitated, angry, difficult to talk to, and if he or she has lost employment, the constant worry about money, housing, utilities, and food will drive them mad.

Victims are often nervous, worried, fearful, and don't trust their abusers when their stress levels are high.  They fear for their safety and offspring.  Pets are also abused.  The entire household is tensed.  Victims are walking on eggshells around the mean-spirited relative.  Unexpected meltdowns can occur at any given moment.  The more the victims attempt to keep the peace, it seems the angrier the abuser becomes.  Abusive men and women need a savior--someone who will make the negative feelings go away within.  They don't want to walk around causing problems for everyone including themselves, but they simply can't help themselves and neither can victims--no matter what you do or say.

When one has been repeatedly yelled at, beaten, ignored, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, and some of you know the rest, whether victim or abuser, the brain doesn't always think logically; therefore, poor decision making when it comes to the affairs of life tend to happen.  Bills are forgotten or go unpaid, housing is unkempt, the children's basic needs are not met, poor job performance, and so on.  Those loved ones, who are on the outside looking in, want very much for everyone to just snap out of it.  Forget about the losses and just "break up," "get a job" or "move."  However, it is a challenge when parties involved in domestic abuse don't have the energy, time or money to do those things.  Victims are oftentimes depressed in emotionally and physically abusive relationships.  They also wrestle with their feelings on whether to go or stay.  They use past memories "when times were good" to motivate them to stay.  They want to believe their abusers will change, but the truth is that oftentimes controlling men and women don't.  You either continue to be abused by them in some way (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, physically...) or you walk away with hopefully most of your mind and body still intact!

Unfortunately, many domestic abuse victims still want to remain with abusers because they have been brainwashed for so long by them.  They have blurred the lines when it comes to what is right and wrong, moral and immoral, good and evil.  Their abuser may have told them they will "do better, change, when I get my new job things will be different, I love you...I need you... Let's get married, start a family."  So the victims believe the lip service and remain in these bad relationships only to be used and abused again!

Domestic abuse resources are available on and off the Internet.  There are helpful individuals, many who are survivors, that can be contacted via email, live chat, snail mail, and on phone lines ready to answer questions and concerns.  An exit plan is discussed when a victim has had enough.

It is my sincere hope that no matter what the situation, one's faith will see him or her through along with a great support system who sincerely cares far more for a victim's well-being than any abuser ever will!  Remember abusers know how to lie, sweet talk, persuade, and make others think that victims are unstable, crazy, or don't know what they are talking about.  Don't believe these liars! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love a Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself