Monday

Grieve the Person You Once Knew - Dating was a Pony Show

You thought that what you saw seated across the table from you was a genuine, honest, kind, sweet, and compassionate person weeks, months or years ago, right?  Now how does that date you saw back then, compare with who you see today?

Intoxicated by those lovey dovey feelings early on, we allowed a lover to embrace us, make love to us, and also permitted him or her to get away with a lot in the beginning of the romance too.  Nothing was too big, too bad, too small, too anything when we let love take root.  "It's okay, it's alright...don't worry about it...I still love you.  We will get through this.  Remember we are together forever." 

We didn't want to be judgmental of that special someone and we didn't want to hurt his or her feelings by telling this person what we really thought about the negative things he or she said and did.  We dismissed offenses and made excuses for things we should have questioned the individual about early on.  It was a fantasy world that we helped create for an abuser to walk in and show out!  The abusive person played us like a fiddle and so we danced.

But things have changed, not just with a partner with an unstable mind, but us too!  Now that the dog and pony show is long over, it is time to grieve the past, if you haven't already.  Think about what you thought to be true back then when you looked that man or woman in the eyes.  Face the reality what use to be is over. 

You have waited long enough, cried long enough, and prayed long enough while the stresses keep mounting from this person who says, "I won't do that again.  I am changing.  I am trying.  Give me another chance..."  Maybe you already did those things, but did you honestly grieve the death of that character he or she sold you on over and over again or are you still believing in the dream?  Could you still be hoping Prince Charming or Snow White will come back? 

Take a deep sigh, envision what you remembered about the abuser's false character that lured you in, once again see who he or she is today, and sob.  It's over, the mental game is over!  Picture this person with one big black X across his or her face and then bury that farce!  Abusers play with your mind.  They make you think things that are untrue about them.  Many of these angry people hurt, lie, steal, cheat, fake tears, brag, insult, demand, complain, and do other things.  They are walking around wounded and they do nothing to heal! 

Whatever your emotional and/or physical abuser is best known for when it comes to acting ugly,  don't get distracted, he or she is a manipulator often looking for any kind of attention, so that you are more concerned about him or her than yourself, children and others.  Some of you readers got hooked up with low down, self-absorbed (narcissistic) people who pretend to be righteous, good men and women who know full well they aren't!  But do you? 

We play with our own minds sometimes and we let others do the same when we hope, wish and pray for what once was.  We have to let ourselves see the real truth, dismiss the lies, and have a moment of self-talk.  "You see that person in the room, she isn't what you thought...stop dreaming of something that isn't coming back!  You see that man standing there, he doesn't love you like he claims!  He uses you!"  Let's be honest.  Stop the self-deception!  Grieve, just grieve the lost of someone you thought you knew like you would a deceased loved one rather than defend their lies and facades.  What you once believed to be true and what you told others to believe about a control freak for a partner is dead, so bury it!

Accept the abuser for who he or she really is and know that you can't change him or her.  Face the fact this person is going to do things that will drive you crazier than others.  He or she will take a break and behave well for a time.  There will be that honeymoon period, but then sooner or later explosion time again.  You will find yourself attempting to de-escalate by walking outside, listening to music, working hard on your job, caring for others, etc. but the elephant is still in the room.  There just can't be anymore of this turning back to the way things use to be once the blinders are off your eyes.  You may be doing those things to survive, but what is really happening is you are losing your mind through the process of laboring to love an abusive mate.  But some of you want to put those rose-colored glasses back on or get others to put them on for you, sorry they don't fit anymore and it frustrates the hell out of you!  So you shoot down messengers like me and shut down anyone who doesn't make you feel good about staying with your nutty partner.  I know, been there.

You enabled the abuser.  You made him or her feel welcome in your life, comfortable to be his or her self and now look at the mess this person has created?  Shoes on top of the table, dirty clothes on the floor, foul odors here and there, emotional baggage from yesteryear, children from another relationship, cursing, yelling, throwing things, etc. blame yourself!  God tried to lighten your burdens years ago by showing you some warning signs, but some of you wanted to play superhero and so now you are paying for a partner and all that comes with him or her literally and figuratively.  Well, you know what we do with messes?  We clean them up.  So stop procrastinating!

Just like yesteryear's act is long over and the abuser doesn't feel the need to put his or her best foot forward in your life anymore, you don't have to put up with his or her evil ways either.  Straighten up your back, stand tall, roll up your sleeves, because there is much work to do.  The memories of the past, the image you fell in love with, and the person who made you feel special may come and go at will or is no more, start penning your thoughts, what are your hopes, dreams, and things you must do to free your mind?  It's time to face the truth and move on with your life!  Part of growing and finding yourself again is to stop focusing on someone else who doesn't walk in truth.  He or she is like his or her father Satan, a master of lies, walking in darkness.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel and other books.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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