Monday

5 Mistakes One Keeps Making with an Abusive Partner

He lies, yells, curses, blames, and does other things to disrespect his partner and she forgives, doesn't forget and continues to forgive again and again.  Meanwhile, the tension from repeated battles between the pair keeps building up.  Their nasty words feel like they are stuck on walls.  Being in the same room with an abusive man is beginning to get old for the victim.  However, despite the warning signs, there are five things that this victim keeps doing when she is laboring to love her abusive mate.  Repeatedly these issues have been written about on this blog.  Let's review.

1.  She keeps telling herself, "Things will change."

"I love him...I know he had a bad day.  He will treat me better, I just know it."  So the honeymoon comes and goes and the arguments seem to worsen and its becoming more difficult to let some things said and done go.

2.  She believes that her controlling mate loves her in the same way she loves him.

The fact that most abusive men connect with lonely, desperate or gullible women is not for love, but for what they can do for them.  Love may come later or never, it all depends on the man.  Some men are incapable of loving others.

3.  She is doing the children a favor for sticking it out with him.

If mothers were open to hearing from children, the truth would come out sooner rather than later.  "I really wish you would just get away from him, because you both fight too much.  I hate it when you cry and yell.  Things were much better before you met him."

4.  She cares too much.

From what the abusive man wants to eat to where he goes, the victim feels like if she continues to show just how much she cares for him, he will appreciate her.  Instead, she turns into a whining, complaining nag (to be nice).  Many of these victims end up being controlling too.

5.  She continues to spend her money on the abuser leaving very little for herself to help with formulating her escape plan.

Why bother to talk about leaving?  The victim isn't serious about going anywhere until she starts putting her money where her mouth is.  Women who have left their abusive partners for good did so because they were certain about their decisions to leave them.  There was no wishy-washy behavior and they made sure the money they earned got them everything they needed to either kick the abusers out or get their own places.

So the next time you (or someone you know) thinks, "I really need to do something" but does nothing, know you are most likely doing one, if not all, of these things to keep you laboring to love an abusive mate in a cycle of power and control. (Note: look up Power and Control Wheel and review or pass it on to someone you care about).

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men (October 2015), Smashwords.com

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