Those painful sexual memories are hard to erase especially when one's body still carries fresh wounds, incurable illness and more. A lover told you that "if you love me, you would..." so you said, "Okay." The mental games didn't end, the discomfort only worsened, and deep within you knew that what was being asked of you just wasn't you. You kept pushing yourself to do and say whatever to your controlling partner who treated you more like a voodoo doll than a human being. You were poked, prodded, bitten, scarred, slapped, pressed until your stomach, head, back, or butt ached just about every bodily orifice was violated in some way.
Sexual abuse is the deep, dark ugly side that many victims and survivors don't get into with others. You hear about the hits, slaps, chokes, trips, etc. that an abuser caused, but rarely do you hear the victim share stories about what really went on behind closed doors in full detail. Those are moments that he or she would like to forget.
When one is in a miserable relationship, painful sex just makes matters worse. Abusers don't care that you are too ill to perform sexually, have no desire to be intimate with them, are bleeding, or ache all over, all they want is what they want right now. Some victims will fight to keep from being raped, others will give in because they are pressured or bribed. It is yet another war with batterers that makes hurting victims feel weak, defenseless and sick inside.
Abused men and women don't typically want to confide in relatives and friends about being abused by a partner during sex. It's embarrassing and the last thing they want is to be judged. "You did what! You let him do...? Are you crazy?" a concerned parent might say. "But you don't understand, I thought that if I agreed to doing that...he would stop pressuring me," the victim attempts to explain.
I recall a deceased loved one share how she witnessed her mother and father engaging in a painful moment (at least for her mother) and how she vowed as a child she would never let a man enter her. Another person shared how it was common for men back in the 1940s and 1950s to beat their women and then expect them to have sex. It was their way of making up. This still goes on to date in some of these turbulent relationships.
A violent man or woman with a history of emotional abuse, sexual abuse and other abuses has a choice to quit causing harm to others and a victim also indwelled with such pain can leave the bad partnership. Until the abused person resists sex and finds a place of safety, he or she will always be expected to meet his or her abusive mate's demands.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.