Tuesday

On Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: How Do You Know When It is Officially Over?

The relationship is over when you say, "It's over."  You are in control.  Tell yourself, "I am in control of my destiny and not my partner." 

Most people who have left emotionally and physically abusive relationships for good, like myself, and moved on without looking back, was because we made the choice that under no circumstances were we going to return even if Jesus came down and touched our abusers.  Although, this does happen after a Holy Ghost encounter with some mean people (not a common occurrence) and they change in major ways--you may have read and heard the testimonies online, it doesn't happen to all.

So here are some signs, it is over for you, maybe not for your abuser, but he or she isn't your focus if you sincerely believe that a relationship is indeed over.  You could probably add about 10 more things, but these are good enough.

You know when you are through with an abuser when you give up talking about the relationship and how he or she made you feel (good and bad). You also refuse to argue or fight anymore.  It's quiet on your side.  You have little to say to your partner.  You obsess about leaving and saving money.  Moving becomes top priority sometimes over shopping for favorite grocery items.

You refuse to wear your wedding rings or other jewelry he or she has given you and you may even find yourself saying, "My ex...my former girlfriend...old boyfriend" when talking to others.

Another indication you are fed up is you simply don't care where an abuser goes or who he or she is with.  There is no more asking questions, surfing through items, or calling his or her family or friends up wanting to know one's whereabouts.  You stop caring.  No matter what he or she does to make you jealous, you are cold as ice.

Other areas of your life begin to shift including how you behave around people that he knows.  You are so done with his side of the family.  You barely smile or talk to them.  This may not happen for all victims, but it was a sign I was so over a couple of guys.  I had no reason or motivation to be in contact with their relatives.  A few were just like those miserable males anyway, so the last thing I needed was more drama coming from them.

In my experience, I found that love-making, affection and any form of intimacy was a chore and I wanted nothing to do with those things.  I didn't even want to smell those guys.

To be completely over a person is knowing you have no plan of ever returning back to him or her.  As long as you are still talking about "Maybe we can see each other in the future...We can still be friends...I will always love you...Let's go to counseling...church..." you still wish to remain in the relationship.  If this is happening, you have no business starting a new relationship with someone and bringing that person into your mess.  Why should they have to suffer because one is still in love or like with an abuser?

If you honestly believe it is quitting time, then be sure that you are sure and don't waste your loved ones money and time.  A network of support is just around the corner.  Contact a human services agency, a church (a partner has no connection to), women's crisis center in your area, and you can even find information at the local library.

Allow helpful people and resources to guide you out of your toxic situation.  There are ample resources that help with things like: a place to stay, obtaining an attorney (free of charge), care for children, healthcare (free of charge), food, and employment.  Just about anything you need, there is a group or business that can help you with your needs. 

Ladies and gentlemen, your abusive partners aren't gods so don't treat them like they hold your lives in their hands, because they don't!  As long as you are on the move in your mind and your feet are doing some walking, you are on your way to freedom, but if you stay, well you will continue to be used and abused!  Remember, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.  Too many victims ran their mouths in anger to abusers and underestimated them, and then later ended up in their graves too.  So keep your mouth shut and slowly but surely get your valuables out of the residence that you share together followed by your feet when he or she isn't around.  To your success!

God bless and may He keep you safe.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

    

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