Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

"You made me do that!  If it wasn't for you, I would have never...You were the one who said...so I went on and did it!" the angry abuser retorts.  He or she isn't finish yet, it is only a matter of time that the manipulator is going to pay you back for calling him or her out on something he or she did or didn't do. "Why didn't you wash the dishes, honey?  You said you were going to do them.  I am trying to keep the place neat and clean, so I could really use your help around here."  the victim says.  The dishes go unwashed and other things aren't done, because the selfish and vengeful man doesn't feel his partner deserves his help.  He recalls the other day when she did something that upset him.  "Eye for an eye," he thinks. Being with someone who is quick to blame you for things is emotionally and physically draining. You find yourself having to defend your every word and deed.  Whether you have done something you consider kin

You are free to be happy!  Tell yourself that today!  "I am free to be happy!" You are free to do what you want, when you want, and how you want it.  Yet, so many women and men in miserable relationships have relinquished all control over being joyous.   These couples have been caught up in the trappings of the following:  frequent crying, fighting, arguing, compulsively spending, over-eating, abusing alcohol or drugs, and more that they find it a challenge to put a smile on their faces and truly feel content on the inside.  Between all the personal drama, they simply forgot what it feels like to be happy on a consistent basis.  When was the last time you saw yourself smile in a mirror?  Now when was the last time you saw yourself genuinely smile with a partner? When we look at the many problems in our world, we see people who feel like they have no way out of their circumstances.  "I'm married now--can't do anything!" says the disgruntled newlywed.  &

A snoring partner, lack of quality food, frequent missed meals, and other issues, and what might one's household look like?  The mind, body and spirit will not act correctly.  The environment is often disorganized because the couple is too tired to get things done.  Phone calls go unanswered because people are sleeping at odd times due to the stress of living there--they just don't have the time or energy to listen to others. Some couples believe that ignoring something as simple as hunger and sleep is okay.  They think they will function at top levels throughout the day without one or both.  But the look on their faces, sudden mood swings, tiredness, verbal insults, body aches, fluctuating body weight and blood sugar, and hot tempers tell the household and others outside the home, "They have issues." Selfish people do selfish things.  They know how they are when they don't get adequate rest or meals, yet they will convince themselves that everyone else is th

You don't have to be choked, slammed into a wall, or beaten until you are black and blue to be in an abusive relationship.  There are many women and men who experience covert abuse over time while thinking their charming partners will fulfill promises, remain faithful, treat them with respect, and more.  Most forms of abuse begin with lies. "I never hit a woman.  I don't believe in hurting women.  I am a good man."   "I have treated all the men I have been with well.  I love men."  "I'm not crazy, it's those crazy b*tches I've been with!"  "You can ask my ex...I don't lie.  I keep promises."  The liar knows early on, during the dating phase, what to say and how to win over his or her gullible victim (usually someone who has a history of being mistreated by boyfriends or girlfriends).  The deceiver will promise that he or she will never be like those other men or women who have disappointed you.  "You ar

A controlling mom is not going to tell her son what he is doing to his partner is wrong unless she benefits in some way.  An abusive father, with a history of insulting and hitting his wife, is not going to encourage his son to stay in a miserable relationship unless he is somehow inconvenienced by his son's future actions.  A jealous sibling just might blame the victim, especially if he or she is the favorite, just so that the individual is not getting any attention from the parents.  Depending on how dysfunctional the family, a victim just might experience further harm from an abuser. A partner's side of the family might not be much support simply because they most likely saw some things about you that they didn't like.  The abusive son/brother/cousin can do no wrong.  They most likely have already been sold on your weakness and are trained to ignore your pleas for help.  Of course, it isn't appropriate to share negative things about one's partner with a belove

Why do people in relationships, who know that their mates lie, connive, cover-up, and do other sneaky things, expect them to come forth with the truth about things like:  their whereabouts, who they talk to, where they go after work, or who they know? The writing is on the wall when it comes to answered prayer and what do victims do?  They act as if God hasn't shown them anything.  They retreat back into the world of lies.  These victims converse with their abusers about the facts in the hopes of feeling at peace with their partners' answers.  They hope that wrongdoings will be confessed, but it never happens.  Instead, what usually occurs is the abuser will do things like:  stone-wall, argue, defend, bad-mouth others, gas-light, blame, deny, or minimize the situation(s). "Babe, it's not what you think.  You know I wouldn't do that...I really care about you.  Honey, we have been through so much, I have changed.  I would never hurt you.  Don't worry about i

Thank you for stopping by.  If you are a first time visitor or have been following this blog for awhile now, I would personally like to say, "Welcome!"  This blog was created based on the book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire back in 2007.  For years, the blog content has been everything from spiritual abuse to domestic violence and other abusive issues in between.  You will find information about the psychological make-up of abusers by both laypersons and professionals.  In addition, you will be enlightened on various aspects of abuse and what you can do about it. This is not a blog for the judgmental, the squeamish, or those who would like nothing more than to gossip about the content.  However, what this work accomplishes is what deceased victims, who have gone before us didn't, and that was an awakening to what goes on behind the closed doors of some relatives, friends, co-workers, and others.  What you see isn't always what you get.  Wh

For some addicts who love their porn, women, alcohol, drugs, and anything else that makes them feel good, they just don't have any boundaries.  They will not deny themselves most perverted pleasures. Many of these individuals have to try something at least once, walk on the wild side or sow their oats. If these sexual addicts want sex with a girl, boy, woman, man, or even an animal, they are open to it. If they want to do drugs or drink alcohol with minors and others who are up to whatever, they will wait for the intoxicated person to let his or her guard down and take advantage.  Meanwhile, the gullible is deceived into thinking that the porn addict's interest is merely restricted to printed magazines and DVDs and partying with buddies periodically, but the emotions and sexual needs are frequent, and if not satisfied, they tend to show up in ways that leave any discerning individual uncomfortable, worried about what more might be going on with the addict, etc. While paren

Families are maintained among believers in The Lord. Psalm 128:5 states "The LORD bless you from Zion". Zion is the city of God, but fathers in families take them there for worship (Hebrews 12:22). Families should be part of a spiritual maintenance program where they continually meet God to stay as one fully affirmed. Fixing America and all the toxicity in society starts in the home. Prosperity,love,honor, peace, and spiritual health are the extended rewards of a family under God. Leading by faith means doing all you can consistently to remain in God's provisions. I can testify on my behalf that I grew up in a very broken, emotional, penal, volatile, conflicted, and abusive environment from the time I was 6 until my parents split for 8 years and then for 3 years after they got back together. I paid for it socially and even in subconscious dream patterns psychologically with adverse desires which became my tailor made problems. I found myself for plenty of seasons making

One's partner/boyfriend/spouse will one day be drunk soon and the excuse as to why he or she hurt you yet again will be, "I was drunk..."  Cheating, lying, kicking, slapping, choking, verbal insults, and other abusive things occur between some drunks and their victims.  So what does one do about it? Well for victims they stay.  Safety isn't high on their priority list because usually the next day, the drunk is back to his or her normal self.  The victims see their partners the next morning, when they appear to be somewhat coherent, and they either act like fools hurling insults about the night before, breaking things out of frustration, slamming doors, using silent treatment, bad-mouthing about the drunk to family and friends, etc. while excusing the behavior by staying.  Others might think deeply about why they tolerate the abusive drunks in their households for days, weeks, months, or even years while contemplating ending the relationship. If one is serious about

The paramedics escorted me out of our two-story apartment complex after six police officers were in the other room with the man I still loved.  Although my arm was burnt from the pain of the iron (get book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate for details), I still cared about him.  I knew that it was over, it was really over this time.  I took a breath, I felt the rage still boiling on the inside--my whole body was hot.  I moved quick--quicker than I ever had in years, adrenaline rush through my body I felt like I could lift anything.  How does a bright, young lady get herself mixed up with a former convict who still had skeletons in his closet? I walked with one paramedic along side of me and the other in front.  I was still so angry that I couldn't rejoice over the fact that I came out alive!  I mean I had just been wrestling with a man who weighed over 200 pounds and stood at about six foot.  A mere 5'3" weighing less than a 120 pounds, I climbed up into the ambulance. 

The angry man won, got the children and now he plays the victim role.  His charm deceived the judge, the counselor, and anyone else who he could convince that his children's mother was crazy. But those of us who have been victims of emotional and physical abuse, no different.  Even if a mother is mad, he took part in the systematic breaking down of her mind, body and spirit over period of time--her family could attest to it.  "Before she met him, she was such a nice person..."  This is why it is so crucial to get out of bad relationships before your mind can't take another insult or threat. The evil that some do will wear on you and then one day you are saying and doing some things you wish you hadn't. The abuser's lies, exaggerations, and the stories of "What she did to me..." are heard by anyone who says, "Where is the mother?  What happened between you and the mother?  What caused the separation/divorce?"  He has told his version of t

The abusive man or woman vents, throws things, breaks treasured items, stares you down, or threatens to beat you down.  The more he or she does this, the more worried you become.  You walk on egg shells, worried that one of these days he is going to take out his or her anger on your face and other places on your body. For some of you reading this, you think, "Who lives this way?"  No one goes into any relationship hoping to get scared straight to suit someone else's demands.  Situations like this begin like a cat and mouse game. The cat sees the mouse and watches his or her every move before he goes in for the kill. For days, weeks, months, or even years, the abusive man or woman spent time learning how to get into the head of his or her so-called partner/soul mate/sweetie/babe. When a lover was weak due to a major upset in the family, his or her hot-tempered partner was there to uplift. When money was short and bills were due, the controlling man or woman took care