Sunday

Here We Go Again...Any Excuse to Show You Who's Boss

Whether he picked a fight after he saw you talking to a man while you were out or she had issue with you doing something yet again with the children, the abusive partner is in the mood to yell, curse, slam a few things around, and even slap you a few times.

I recall a time when I avoided the physical abuse, but I had to hear the long rant.  The crazy man was yelling about what?  To this day, I really don't know.  I remember trying to explain, but to no avail.  He put the parked car in the dark parking lot in drive and off we went down the road quickly.  He was braking hard and I had tears in my eyes. 

You don't think at the time about leaving.  You don't worry about tomorrow.  All you want to do is get through that moment.  You just want the yelling to stop.  If they push you too hard, it is then that you end up acting just as crazy as them.  Once you get going, you can't stop.  Every curse word is flying and you feel like you are strong.  You feel like you are ready to let them have it!

When an abuser shows and tells who's boss he or she is going to do it in a variety of ways:

1.  In a new relationship, he or she will start off acting very nice and sweet.  It is better to attract the bee with honey.
2.  The person is going to help you and others while acting like it's no problem.
3.  The angry man or woman is going to learn about the people, places and things that interest you, but not for reasons you might think.  Rather, he/she wants to keep up with you.  So if there is ever any fight, he or she will know how to get into your head, where to find you, and what tools to use to get you back into bed.
4.  The controlling individual will remind you of all the money, time, and energy he/she spent doing what you wanted--no matter how little or how big the contribution.  The more you ask of that person, the more likely you will be chewed out one day when you anger him or her.
5.  The abuser will let others know whenever they feel like the relationship is being threatened or someone is trying to spend time with you, "We don't need your help...I will need to talk with her about that because she knows she isn't supposed to say...We don't make decisions without letting one another know...I will check with....I don't think she will want to do that..."  The abuser or controlling mate will not hesitate to make decisions for his or her partner.  The victim will repeat the same behavior assuming that he or she is being caring and considerate.
6.  Money is never spent without clearance.
7.  The abuser will let everyone in the household, as well as outside, who is the king or queen of the castle.  Family members bow down by complying.  They do what is asked of them.  They avoid conflict by keeping quiet about issues. 

If the atmosphere is disturbed by rogue behavior, outside influences, or the victim is simply having some sort of awakening, the abusive cycle starts back up again.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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