Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Holiday seasons are being utilized for all the wrong reasons when it comes to volatile relationships .  Buy one's abuser as much as he or she can and hopefully no abuse will occur, the girlfriend thinks.  Gather favorite relatives and friends around and maybe a spouse will be on his or her best behavior.  Reach out to travel planners to make an abusive husband's dreams come true.  Oh the victims, what great lengths they will go to appease an abusive partner. I recall the money, time and energy I spent in relationships with verbally and physically abusive loved ones.  I also remember wishing the pain would stop at least for awhile if only I could make them smile.  Instead of buying love, what I needed to do was address my pain.  The nagging feeling on the inside that a cheater was at it again.  The stomach pains from once again having an emotional outburst with a relative because I exposed one's lies.   The soreness in my bones from fighting an angry fiance.  It took mult

The tears came often for a long time with every offense, secret found out, lie told, and more.  The emotional abusive, physically violent, and miserable type of men that came and went out of my life (as well as those who I had pushed out), I had grown weary of the tears I cried for them.  Swollen eyes, darken circles, and that feeling of weakness that comes over you from crying so much had worn me down emotionally, physically and spiritually time and time again.  I even stopped going to church for a long time because I just didn't need to feel emotionally charged, crying yet again over all that went wrong was the last thing I wanted to do.  Yet, I eventually did go and kept going, and to my surprise, the guilt, grief, and other emotional burdens left. As I grew older, more secure in myself, and taking charge of my life, I realized that the tears weren't falling as much as they once did.  I could care less about "the acts" that my abusers had put on to appear lik

As much as you don't want to believe it, there he goes again.

Scripture References for Further Study about Abuse (Note there are about 100 verses, this is just a sample). Malachi 2:13-16 ESV (English Standard Version Bible) And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Proverbs 10:11 ESV The m

I wish I could say that my feelings were isolated to one of the men who hurt me physically, but after getting out of that violent relationship and starting afresh with others, I felt like I was walking on eggshells with them too.  I started wishing that a couple more didn't come home either.  The sexist behavior, selfish ways, and the superiority complex that came with these men gradually showed up as I learned more about them.  It didn't matter that they were "so nice, didn't hit me..." but their words and disloyalty did.  The pain at times was far worse than what the physically violent man had done to me many years before--the ache was in my spirit and didn't go away at all for one person I was in a long-term relationship.  As for the other man, those negative feelings came and went and then returned again when the next offense showed up and the next. What was going on with me was not only unresolved issues of the past, but a strong desire to make things w

Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Is it Worth Keeping a Cute, Selfish Date Around?

Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Bad Men You Should Avoid Like a Plague : Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame.  In some cases...

Inspirational speaker, blogger of this site, and author Nicholl McGuire has many audios and videos about abuse on YouTube NM Enterprise 7.  Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness, we are featuring some of the most popular material from the channel.  Feel free to click on the one that best addresses your situation or a loved one.  May God bless you with peace of mind, courage, and favor with those who can help you get free :) Blind to What Hurts - abuse, family, work, relationships, delusional          Power and Control - Who is Your Foe - family, friends, coworkers Looking to Leave Mental & Physical Bondage The Exit Plan - Getting out of Situation - Emotionally, Physically Stressed When the Abuser Uses Victim's Family, Friends How to Let Go of People who are Still Holding on to You   She's Crazy - a nonfiction book for battered men being abused by controlling women            In Love, Like? Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive

For every striking blow, curse word spoken, and silent treatment tactic used, a guilt-ridden and ashamed filled spouse will reap what he or she has sown one day. Eventually what was in darkness comes out into the light.  Cheating ways whether emotional or physical shows up with an unwanted pregnancy or worse incurable illness.  Drunkenness, drug use, lies and cover ups don't stay quiet for all eternity.  Ancestry reveals the guilt and shame of past generations of manipulative and abusive great grandfathers, their sons and their sons' sons and so on.  For some reading this, they are presently actors and actresses in a life story that will one day be judged by upcoming generations as "sad, poor, bad, ridiculous, stupid...Why would he/she allow such things?" Future offspring will say. The emotionally and physically abusive spouse believes he or she is the king or queen of his or her castle.  They use power and control behaviors to get their way and expect all in cont

When Mothers Cry: Showing Love to Mothers: Divorced, Single, Married and Depressed Moms: On Being a Parent - What is Expected of Us : If you can not see this chirbit, listen to it here https://chirb.it/O0IB9y Check this out on Chirbit

Abusive, controlling, selfish individuals or addicts are in a world all their own.  They aren't the least bit interested in what is going on with those around them unless their experiences impact their wallets, roof over their head, and other comforts that they enjoy. Cross an abuser and he or she will not hesitate to show you just how much the thrill is gone, they could care less.  Some abusive men and women will show off their new partners or leave evidence that they are on the prowl just to anger you just as much as they feel you have upset them.  Oh these uncaring people, know how to fake concern when they aren't quite ready to give you up. As long as you are willing to make them feel good again, you are a keeper, but when you don't, they reason, "Why should I give a d*mn?  My partner isn't doing anything that makes me feel special."  Despite all the time and money spent, requests addressed, abusive people couldn't care less. Since actions spe

The inconveniences, money lacking, angry about outages, and more, an abusive man or woman is fuming on the inside about a threatening storm or one that has already passed.  People around him or her are watching him or her gradually lose it.  Knowing that the abuser needs assistance, he or she might be on his or her best behavior in front of others for a time before exploding one day on one's partner, children and/or pets.  Controlling, selfish, jealous , temperamental, and raging abusers are difficult to ride a storm out with when all their comforts are pretty much gone.  Some become so bad that law enforcement has to step in which is actually a good thing because what victims dealt with behind closed doors is now in the open for all to see. This is a good time to move on with one's life in a relationship like this without the user and abuser. National Domestic Violence Hotline American Red Cross Freddie Mac Disaster Resources Tax Relief Those of you who are in

If I could give you the world On a silver platter Would even matter You'd still be mad at me If I can find in all this A dozen roses Which I would give to you You'd still be miserable In reality I'm gon be who I be And I don't feel no faults For all the lies that you bought You can try as you may Break me down when I say That it ain't up to you Gon on do what you do [Chorus:] Hate on me hater Now or Later Cause I'm gonna do me You'll be made baby (Go head and hate) Go head and hate on me hater I'm not afraid of What I got I paid for You can hate on me... Ooh if I gave you peaches Out of my on garden And I made you a peach pie Would you slap me out? Wonder if I gave you diamonds Out of my own womb Would you feel the love in that Or ask why not the moon? If I gave you sanity For the whole of humanity Had all the solutions to the pain and pollution No Matter Where I live Despite the things I give You'll always be th

There is an inner voice that all of us human beings have that warns us of things not to say or do. Many of us have this gentle voice inside, but we tend to suffocate it with what we want to do right now. If you are a believer, who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you most likely connect the voice to God, "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you" (John 14:26, NKJV). However, at times we grieve the Holy Spirit by not listening and obeying. "Do not grieve The Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:15-16, 30, NKJV). Let's say your instinct tells you during a first meeting with someone, "He's not the one. He cheats. He hurts women . He doesn't care about anyone, but himself." Yet, he distracts your inner voice with a kind deed, great conversation, and promise

"Debonair, easy-going, friendly, charismatic, a pillar of the community, nice, successful, handsome, gorgeous..." these are just some of the words victims use to describe their former abusive partners.  Even after one hears their stories of pain, manipulation, cheating, lies and more, one look at these abusive people, and the listener is captivated with them too.  Abusive, attractive, yet downright evil people have tricks up their sleeves like magicians performing magic acts, they pride themselves on knowing they have led you into believing something once again that is untrue. What sort of mind game did your manipulator play on you this time?  Was it a made up story about where he really went and who he saw while there?  Maybe it was a false promise that he or she had used for so long to keep your interest.  How about your favorite entertainment or a gift used to distract you to keep you from searching for evidence that you have been fooled yet again?  So a victim goes alon

The day that you make up in your mind that you will no longer put up with an emotionally or physically abusive partner , is the day that you are headed toward peace of mind. You are now ready to focus on your future without the controlling individual dominating every aspect of your mind.  It can be challenging to plan for the day you are officially free from an abuser , but you can do it!  Encourage yourself!  Take baby steps toward independence and don't allow anyone or anything to discourage you in your quest to break free from toxic programming. Survivors , who were once victims, recognized just how brainwashed they were in their past miserable relationships of power and control.  Abusers bully their victims.  They make promises sometimes keeping them, other times breaking them.  They dominate their lives with their demands.  The longer you stay, the more they keep you under their thumb. Expecting someone or a group to rescue you from the clutches of an abusive person just

With so much going on in people's personal lives, you would think people in our nation wouldn't be living longer due to so much stress they are experiencing.  Yet they survive and with some, barely. Men and women going through much trial, cover up their personal woes with laughs, nods, winks, eye-catching attire, expensive automobiles, and fabulous homes.  But those of us who have been mistreated recognize those who are going through much.  We can see through the smoke and mirrors.  Delusional people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on at home and caution children, "Don't tell or else..." The eyes don't lie and yesteryear's bruises tell dark stories on victims' faces.  An abusive spouse or partner rarely admits that he or she is wrong when battles increase.  He or she may have once apologized almost immediately after an offense, but in time admitting to one's faults becomes a rare thing to do.  The mean-spirited partner h

Menstruation, peri-menopause, menopause, PMDD, pregnancy, ulcers, clotting, depression, etc., women have their health woes and abusive men who are short on patience, selfish, and lack empathy don't take the news well about their spouses or partners' health "issues" especially when sex is impacted. (Please keep this in mind for those of you who counsel and treat women). It doesn't matter how often these couples have sex or not, men who are angry for any number of reasons only become more irritated when women complain of cramps or heavy bleeding, are not able to assist them physically with household projects, errands, or business due to a variety of challenging symptoms, and have their share of the blues mentally and are not interested in being intimate. Selfish partners will grumble, complain, ignore, or reject women even when they are trying their best to be attentive.  There is either very little or no communication because their controlling spouses are pouti

Happy Father's Day should be reserved for the man who is actually the kind of dad that isn't abusive toward his family.  Yet, men everywhere who are fathers whether good or not are told the statement due to the holiday.  There is a father, stepfather, father-in-law or spiritual father that is either going to get an insincere acknowledgment out of fear from children, "Thanks Dad" or a pass on all the pleasantries on that day from disappointed relatives. An abusive father knows that what he does for his household compared to the grief he caused his family via power and control is why he might not be appreciated, liked or even loved.  At times abusive men truly feel guilt, shame, and disappointment especially during holidays when other men are reverenced but not them.  What's worse they will project their pain on to the ones in the dwelling for not making them feel good whether overtly or covertly.  That's why one who knows that someone is living with an abusiv

There is a big lie that one likes to tell his or herself long after the abusive behavior about a partner has been discovered and that is, "I didn't know my partner was abusive."  Yet, one knows now!  If you have been in a relationship for any significant time, you learned the truth, but you refused to accept it. You knew the day the abusive mate called you out of your name. You knew when you caught him or her in repeated lies and when you confronted your partner, you were intimidated, threatened, and wondered whether he or she was going to hit you. You knew when he or she acted controlling with you, the children, finances, time you spent with others, and where you went. You knew when he or she expected you to report back like a soldier checking in with a sergeant. You knew when your relatives and friends noticed something they didn't like about your love interest early on and you attempted to persuade them to think differently. You knew when the hair on your

Let's have a reality check with self, shall we?  How much have you given up for a partner lately?  Many emotionally or physically abused women and men will give up much to maintain an unhealthy relationship even though they don't believe that is what they are in.  They will keep a partner around while later regretting much for having made some serious sacrifices in their personal or professional lives.  So let's examine the lifestyle we had prior to meeting current partners whether we are in functional or dysfunctional relationships.  It doesn't matter how long ago it was that you met a partner, your emotional and physical health may be for the better or for the worse as a result.  Notice similar choices and sacrifices you made in this relationship and compare with others.  The information you uncover about you and others might be so troubling that you may want to sit down with a licensed counselor or meet with a pastor or support group for healing. Sometimes we ove

Recently, you may have received some news that an emotionally and/or physically abusive mate no longer wants to be committed to you.  Although you may have handled the news well in front of his or her face, inside you feel like dying.  The heartache, stomachache and headache you may have experienced or are still experiencing seems like it will never leave.  However, there is hope!  It may take some time to see the sun in your life, but eventually you will see it and it will shine down on you.  Storms never last for always.  The following suggestions are listed to help you heal through the break up. 1) Escape the past. You created memories with your former mate when you visited certain places, listened to favorite songs, and introduced them to the people that you loved.  However, it is time to give yourself the freedom from those past images, places, and people for a time until you are mentally strong to handle memories that will come upon your mind and possible negative comme

Child Sexual Abuse - Signs And Symptoms : Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.

Sometimes people reach out to others wanting to know, "Should I just leave?"  Of course you should if someone is abusing you or you simply feel like you can't go on with that person.  But we advisers aren't in the hurting person's shoes.  The one who can best answer that question is the one who has to live in that household each and everyday with that toxic guy or gal.  If you are offended when someone "tells it like it is" then you most likely aren't ready to leave.  Some victims simply can't handle the fact that they made a lousy choice when they married, had sex, or had a baby with a partner.  So as long as you are defending, denying, and blaming, you won't leave--you are there to stay.  Sometimes the abused isn't who or what you think. For years, I have posted my personal experiences and opinion about abusive relationships and for years people have come to this site and blindly scrolled through the entries pretending as if my bo

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father.  Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said this...my Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children.  - They can't handle too much noise.

He seeks his next target. By the time he is finished with her... His demands will cause her to lose the makeup, change her hairstyle, and stop dressing so nicely. Stress ages the beautiful one. Power and control suffocates love. Peace is a dream. Then on to his next victim. "It didn't work...she was this, she was that..." Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues by Nicholl McGuire

It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug... : Somewhere right now as you read this, a teenage daughter may have said something to her father that offended him so much that he gave her ...

So sex is supposed to make things better?   Wasn't it just last week, a month ago or a little longer that a woman or man complained about his or her relationship with an abuser.  And wasn't it not that long ago that he or she talked of breakup, separation or divorce?  What changed?  A sexual release.  You know the abuser is still the same.  He or she hasn't changed.  The dark side has went into hiding until next time.  For those of you in love, lust, or like with a hot-tempered, mean-spirited ugly man or woman, you know how the story goes.  Everything is "okay, alright, fine" until the next blow up.  Turbulent relationships never remain peaceful, there is always something right around the corner that an abuser gets his or herself mixed up in (cheating, lies, stealing, fights, job loss, self-harm, etc.)  Evil men and women bore easily, get angry over the littlest of things, act self-righteous, cold-hearted, and pride themselves on emotionally and/or p

We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands.  In the San Bernardino shooting  involving an abusive husband and his estranged wife, media reports say he was at the school to drop something off to the school teacher, but what he was really there for was to kill her and himself.  Unfortunately, two children were caught in the crossfire of domestic violence. What goes on at home, especially if the relationship is turbulent, doesn't stay there.   Tell your business it just might save a life! When one has a troubled mind the issues eventually show up and impact others--innocent children, relatives, law enforcement, paramedics, etc.  The husband had a criminal history in the San Bernardino shooting, an obvious red flag for the woman who married him, but she dismissed it. From desperation to be in a relationship to needing help with the bills and/or children, many needy women drive themselves into relationships with abusive men--there is a good reason w