Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

In my previous posting I shared a video of a 30 year abuser and there was much insightful information in that creatively done video.  But the thought came to mind after watching it, "Imagine how the woman felt or women that tried to stick it out with this guy...these ladies who thought that their efforts could change him."  As I've said before on this blog, isn't that what many people think when they enter into new relationships or remain in bad ones?  Ladies and gentlemen: You can't change emotional abusers and physically violent men and women.  They have got to want to change and usually without their enablers and victims by their sides. The newness wears off, the good times don't remain, the promises fall by the way-side, and the pain doesn't stay gone in poor marriages and relationships.  All the issues just linger on.  I remember feeling so frustrated in an emotionally abusive relationship (cheating, lying, arguing, secrets, etc.) to the point th

It starts when children are young, this desire to appease, but what if one's boyfriend asked your daughter, niece, aunt, or even you to do these you are about to read here?   If these requests are strange, abusive or even weird to you, then what do you think someone might be thinking if you are tolerating an abuser?

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate , Poem: Who are You? http://share.myflare.com/vC5n4W

They have signed documents that they really didn't want to.  Stood before family and friends and told lies about their abusers' threats behind closed doors.  Dropped charges against their partners for fear the next episodes of abuse might send them to hospital beds or worse grave yards.  Some have even felt compelled to stay in relationships because they believe their abusive mates might commit suicide if they leave.  Victims who have spent years being trained to react to their abusers' coercion and threats feel like backs are up against walls whenever an issue arises.  The abusers win and they lose.  In many victims' minds, there is no way out.  So when an ill-equipped advisor suggests things like:  "Forgive and forget...Just do what he asks...Don't make a fuss.  If you just listen to her, maybe she won't have to make any threats..." this well-meaning loved one is simply pushing the victim further and further into his or her mess.  Most likely, the i

Verbal abuse against men http://www.menwhoareabused.com http://www.twitter.com/abusedmen

After a traumatic experience, whether in or out of a bedroom with an abuser, swollen eyes from crying, pain in one's body, and a sore throat from yelling will leave you emotionally, spiritually and physically tired.  An empty feeling arises within, you are numb to your mate and others.  You can't care about what other people are going through or what they think, because you have been through so much.  You have no emotional connection to an abuser, because you are all tapped out for a time.  You aren't really focused on your children--their lips move but you aren't listening.  You are simply existing until the next episode of abuse comes around again. This empty feeling is strange.  It's as if someone cut off your five senses.  You don't really see clearly like you did prior to yet another explosive incident.  You don't hear as good when people talk.  Things don't have much of a taste as they did before.  Everything has an odor, but your nose plays tri

Most abusers are jealous types.  Envious of your intelligence, looks, talents, attention you receive from others, and more.  Systematically an abuser might say and do things to keep you thinking, guessing, wondering about what he or she is up to.  Abusive men and women do some crazy-making things to those closest to them especially if they feel like their victims are emotionally and physically withdrawing from them.  An abuser's plan is to draw you back to him or her.  It isn't that difficult when this person has made his or herself an idol in your life.  The voice of God that you think is beckoning you to draw near or return to this difficult individual (that is if you already left) is really your abusive mate's energy pulling you back toward him or her.  God frees men and women from trouble, he doesn't encourage victims to go back to someone or something he hasn't fixed and most of all He expects his people to follow instructions i.e.) consider the story when L

Your controlling, insecure, or violent date/partner made some people before you angry, used and abused them too.  They already knew some bad things about the man or woman you claim to love and for some they might have admitted to being victims of abuse, but you most likely wouldn't know nor would you care.  Abusers make sure no one ever gets close enough to their victims for them to discover the real truth.  There are the stories they tell and then there are those the exes know about.  These controlling men and women work quickly winning the new partners' trust, badmouthing exes, and hoping they never do any snooping or talking to former mates.  We all have exes for reasons.  They have their explanations and we have ours.  When one chooses to move on with his or her life, there is the verbalized or unspoken agreement between that person and the ex which is not to tell everyone everything that happened when we were together, okay?  Now your current partner most likely doesn&#

Where there is upheaval in a city, there is also someone in the home being abused.  Although anyone can be hurt anywhere, these large cities were selected to encourage some readers from around the United States to begin the quest of getting some help. Cleveland Domestic Violence & Child Advocacy Center Minneapolis Domestic Abuse Services. Domestic Violence Help ... Kansas City, Missouri KCSDV Purpose | Blog Baltimore Baltimore County Md. Police - Family Violence Miami Miami-Dade County - Domestic Violence - Online Resources Memphis The Family Safety Center of Memphis and Shelby County ... Detroit Michigan Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org Birmingham, Alabama Domestic Violence Services and Programs | YWCA Orlando, Florida Florida Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org Atlanta Women 's Resource Center to End Domestic Violence St. Louis Missouri Domestic Violence Resources | lsmo.org Los Angeles Domestic Violence : Emer

So you thought a person in an abusive relationship already had enough issues from verbal insults to fighting with a partner, yet they have spiritual issues too?  Yes, many of them.  Salvation is doubted at times for some.  Rebellion is a common foe.  The Holy Ghost living within a believer is often grieved.  Church brothers and sisters might create distance for any number of reasons including being victims of the victims.  Satanic views or worldly thoughts become enticing.  Temptation to do something to an abuser that might put one in jail is a constant fight.  Immorality, compromising one's faith...the list goes on. Whether you or someone you know is struggling in a relationship that keeps him or her stressed, know that the victim is also going through a test of faith that will either grow stronger as a result or cause one to want to forget about God. The more drama one puts up with from a person who loves power and control over another human being, the more likely he or she

The relationship is over when you say, "It's over."  You are in control.  Tell yourself, "I am in control of my destiny and not my partner."   Most people who have left emotionally and physically abusive relationships for good, like myself, and moved on without looking back, was because we made the choice that under no circumstances were we going to return even if Jesus came down and touched our abusers.  Although, this does happen after a Holy Ghost encounter with some mean people (not a common occurrence) and they change in major ways--you may have read and heard the testimonies online, it doesn't happen to all. So here are some signs, it is over for you, maybe not for your abuser, but he or she isn't your focus if you sincerely believe that a relationship is indeed over.  You could probably add about 10 more things, but these are good enough. You know when you are through with an abuser when you give up talking about the relationship and how he

Whether an abusive lover is too big, too small, or just right but rough privately (if you know what I mean), some victims in emotionally and physically abusive relationships will do almost anything to appease.  A mind warped with wanting attention, affection, and love from a troubled partner, some men and women will go along just to get along with twisted sexual fantasies, shameful acts, etc. in the hopes that things will get better in a bad relationship. Those painful sexual memories are hard to erase especially when one's body still carries fresh wounds, incurable illness and more.  A lover told you that "if you love me, you would..." so you said, "Okay."  The mental games didn't end, the discomfort only worsened, and deep within you knew that what was being asked of you just wasn't you.  You kept pushing yourself to do and say whatever to your controlling partner who treated you more like a voodoo doll than a human being.  You were poked, prodded,

Another episode of fighting and now you are thinking, "Why God are you allowing this to keep happening?  You could put him in his/her grave...you could make him go away...you could give me money so I can go!  Why?" Are you going through trials in vain?  In other words, are you sincerely learning from each instant of abuse you undergo until you are ready to exit or are you just taking the pain and making excuses for it?  Are you struggling with the thought that an Almighty Creator and his angels are watching while you cry and hurt inside from yet another blow? These wars with words, fists, money, children, and more are here to stay as long as you welcome them.  Re-read what I just wrote.  Sure, God, children, strangers and others are watching or know of your situation, but you are in control more than you realize.  Some victims just aren't going to get the help they need because they are unwilling to let go of the angry men or women who have become idols in their live

You thought that what you saw seated across the table from you was a genuine, honest, kind, sweet, and compassionate person weeks, months or years ago, right?  Now how does that date you saw back then, compare with who you see today? Intoxicated by those lovey dovey feelings early on, we allowed a lover to embrace us, make love to us, and also permitted him or her to get away with a lot in the beginning of the romance too.  Nothing was too big, too bad, too small, too anything when we let love take root.  "It's okay, it's alright...don't worry about it...I still love you.  We will get through this.  Remember we are together forever."  We didn't want to be judgmental of that special someone and we didn't want to hurt his or her feelings by telling this person what we really thought about the negative things he or she said and did.  We dismissed offenses and made excuses for things we should have questioned the individual about early on.  It was a fanta

Not all abusive men will be able to continue swinging on their wives and children with fists and other things; instead, they will get older and slower.  Some of these aging men will or currently have heart, back, leg, and stomach trouble.  This is where things get tricky, because now a number of victims feel like they can fight back.  "After all these years, he's sick now...You can't fight me now!  You try to hurt me and I will get you in your weak leg...Crack you over the head," she thinks.  But hold on before you get confident and cocky, there are those abusers who have their gun collections, bats near beds, knives tucked away in drawers, and even loyal subjects on speed dial in case they need the police or someone to do their dirty work.  This is why some women should have left when they got a chance years ago, but since they want to stick around the game just got uglier with some abusive men who are getting older, meaner, and angrier especially those who can'

They saw the matriarch or patriarch of the house drunk, cursing, throwing things, fighting, and more over and over again.  Mom or Dad made excuses for his or her foolishness, lied about what the children really saw or ignored a partner.  Children were told to, "Go play...don't ask questions...be quiet.  Don't tell grandma...your aunt or anyone else!"  This is getting old and you know it.  You are not winning your children's respect or building up a quality relationship with them; instead you are running away using your job, church, other children, extracurricular activities, shopping, etc.  Anything but facing the truth at home, right?  Secretly, your children don't like you or your partner very much.  If their confidants could tell you how they really felt, they would.  But you wouldn't listen or accept the truth; instead you would pretend like you didn't hear the messengers or downplay what they told them.  You might even quarrel with them or atte

He lies, yells, curses, blames, and does other things to disrespect his partner and she forgives, doesn't forget and continues to forgive again and again.  Meanwhile, the tension from repeated battles between the pair keeps building up.  Their nasty words feel like they are stuck on walls.  Being in the same room with an abusive man is beginning to get old for the victim.  However, despite the warning signs, there are five things that this victim keeps doing when she is laboring to love her abusive mate.  Repeatedly these issues have been written about on this blog.  Let's review. 1.  She keeps telling herself, "Things will change." "I love him...I know he had a bad day.  He will treat me better, I just know it."  So the honeymoon comes and goes and the arguments seem to worsen and its becoming more difficult to let some things said and done go. 2.  She believes that her controlling mate loves her in the same way she loves him. The fact that most ab

The rules are endless when dealing with an abusive partner.  You learn through repeated punishments if you should once again move something of his, open one of her things, talk at the wrong time, or do anything by accident that might aggravate the controlling man or woman in your household. Sometimes you're angry with all the reminders, cursing, and pouting that goes on over petty things.  Other times you walk away to avoid an argument or physical fight, but that doesn't lessen the fear, worry or stress within, now does it?  Some victims will calm their nerves with too much music, eating, exercise, many outings, excessive shopping, lots of cigarettes, alcohol, prescription medicines, and other things just to get through another day.  Is staying with the hot-tempered, controlling man or woman really worth all this? Depending on how long you have been with someone you will reason that, "I've put up with his sh*t all this time, so I might as well keep dealing with it