Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

He thinks you don't pay attention to the money that suddenly goes missing, the keys that are moved, the odd times he shows up, and the excuses he makes.  She doesn't think you know about what she has hidden away, who she has been talking to, and what she has been doing behind your back.   The abuser says, "You don't know what you are talking about...I left it right there, I gave it back to you...that was just my friend on the phone...I never told you that!  Why are you asking me questions?  I didn't take anything from you!" You feel like you are losing your mind in an emotionally abusive and/or violent relationship.  You second-guess yourself.  You get angry over little things, lose your temper more often, and sometimes plot revenge on your partner.  You could have sworn your mate told you something the other day he or she was supposed to do, but when questioned about it, the story changes.  You might even know someone going through something similar wh

They gather around television screens and will boldly tell all females in the household or elsewhere, "Don't interrupt, find something to do...be quiet when the game is on!"  As a woman, it doesn't matter how much you think you know about the sport.  Like some churches won't permit women to stand at the pulpit, neither will some men accept women sharing their thoughts about a game without shutting them down, looking at them evilly, or waving their hand at them like they are annoying flies. Now there is that one woman who isn't going to be ignored, and just might say a few too many things to a man who is already angry about the bad calls that are being made in a "scripted" game.  She might point out some legitimate things about what she sees and share her knowledge of "show business," but her timing is all wrong!  Just like it was wrong for her sister, friend, and others who were physically assaulted, because they said too much while the

"If she hadn't jumped in his face, if he would have stopped yelling at her...if the two just walked away--none of this would have happened!" the critics always have their reasons as to why the woman or the man or both got what they deserved in an abusive relationship .  Some will even go so far to say, "I would have slapped and kicked her too!  He's lucky it wasn't me, I would have punched him so hard, he would have been seeing stars!  The two of them need both their butts beaten!" While so many lips are on their "Should have, could have" rant, another woman and yet another is being abused.  For every incident that takes place, there is an individual or group blaming the victim afterward.  "This wouldn't have happened had she..."  How can the mentally and/or physically sick, used and abused help herself?   What can be done when tempers are flared, arms are swinging, and kids are crying?  Rarely does anyone run from a fight

A messy relationship is like walking into a room ignoring the piles of clothes on the floor, the overflowing trash can, the old food left on the dresser, and those things in the corner that was supposed to go back on the shelf...the one who is responsible for the mess no longer sees it.  He or she sits or lies down as if there is nothing wrong with the room.  The person doesn't smell the odors, see the dirty dishes, or notices the piles.  If you have a problem with the mess, the one it will simply shrug his or her shoulders and continue to use the space just as it is.  Now the unsightly room isn't a problem for some as long as the door stays closed.  But once the lingering odor hits the hallway, insects start showing up in other parts of the house, and visitors are coming over, the issues in that room become a household problem.  This is what happens when one is in a messy relationship.  He or she doesn't see the ugliness that everyone else sees.  The one experiencing ve

  Positive affirmations, thought-provoking collages, stirring mask images, inspiring guest speakers, delicious refreshments and more, brought visitors out of their homes in Pasadena, California. On October 17, 2014, the first annual Healing Art Exhibition was presented at the Fair Oaks Renaissance Plaza Community Room, 649 N. Fair Oaks Avenue. Linda Offray, Shepherd’s Door Founder and Teresa Smith, Healing Art Organizer and teacher and special guests were available to share personal stories and answer questions about domestic violence. Offray, who has been on a mission to help people in violent relationships for decades, said "…Shepherd’s Door was birthed out of anger, frustration and pain." Being a mother, she had members of her own family who suffered through domestic violence. She shared most of the women she has talked to about their experiences said they didn’t know how they ended up in their situations. Offray mentioned these type of relationships ten

So the devil of a man decides to take a low blow during an argument and use a victim's past to talk about why the last one abused her, why she deserved it, and how he will hurt her like the former abuser did.  His pot shot was painful and a trigger; lucky for him she didn't turn into a raging lunatic and pay him back for every man who came before him who thought they were bold enough to put their hands on her. What makes a woman go off the deep end?  Statements like the above.  Frequent disrespectful attitudes and words, mean glares, negative behaviors like silent treatment and gas-lighting, and more leading up to the day that she explodes.  Far too often outsiders, looking at that single public incident, the day everything turned black and the woman lost her mind will question, "Why would she even attempt to fight a man?  What would possess her to act so angrily?  Why would the man think that slapping her silly would get her to calm down?"  Let us be reminded, p

There will always be that couple who is in a turbulent relationship claiming they are breaking up only to get back together.  During their honeymoon period, they really wish that, "Everyone would be happy for us!"  Really?  Let us remind our relatives and friends who are in these violent arrangements the following: 1.  Your abusive partner will curse/cheat/lie/hit and do anything else he/she has gotten away with in the past again and again, and again. 2.  Keep in mind you both have a mental or personality disorder that you have yet to address.  If you attend church, the leadership would say you need deliverance from demonic spirits.  There is just no reasoning or accepting abuse.  The body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. 3.  You are unwise if you believe that things are going to get better because your abuser simply said, "I won't do it again, I promise...you know I love you...I want very much for our family to be together!" 4.  The reality is that no

She doesn't believe that she is being abused because it doesn't feel like it, "Isn't abuse painful, ugly, and crazy?  Not me," she thinks.  "So what that he is controlling sometimes and big deal he has a personality disorder, I love him."  But what if this victim's denial is affecting others around her?  What if the pain of her abusive situation has somehow skipped over her and onto those who love her, what then?  Abuse is abuse whether it looks or feels painful or not.   A man who isolates a woman from her sons, daughters and other relatives and friends is hurting her whether she feels the anguish or not.  She most likely convinced herself that all is okay just to tolerate being in a relationship with her abuser.  A woman who has been controlled for far too many years to count has a mind that tends to go crazy at times, whether she feels it or not, just like her controller.  The two battle silently, verbally or physically.  She does little things

Dating Advice, Relationship Problems: He is Never There for Me When I Need Him Most : Have you ever felt like your husband or partner just doesn’t seem to understand what his role in your life is supposed to be? You have expla...

Staying up practically all night worried over a man.  Thinking strange thoughts after a vicious argument with lights cut off in the dark.  Feeling uneasy as you enter a room your abuser is in at night.  Silent moments after the sun sets can bring on unholy thinking, reactions, and feelings.  Is it really safe to be with someone who just threatened to kill you?  Should you be living in a home with someone you catch staring at you as if he or she hates you?  Do you really need to stay with someone who makes you feel unclean, dirty, or even suicidal? A lot happens at night as most of the world sleeps.  Strange dreams reveal truth about your waking life.  From creepy critters to ugly faces, your spirit realizes that something during the day is getting the best of your peaceful rest.  So you walk around like a zombie during the day wanting nothing more than your bed.  Being with an abusive partner can affect you in negative ways, sap the energy out of you, cause you to think things you n

She is the ideal candidate for the controlling man. Formerly abused, the survivor has potential to the man who doesn't have to lift a finger to keep his woman in her place at least for a time. The manipulator knows he doesn't have to beat his victim into submission, because the other fellow already did that.  He isn't worried about her fighting him, because she already told him, "I'm done fighting, I just want a peaceful relationship with a loving, kind man."  The man, with dark thoughts and hidden anger, has little patience and even less time to work on a relationship, so he finds the survivor easy prey.  "She won't argue much," he thinks. "She won't put up too much resistance when I want my way, and she will keep to herself most of the time..." The weary woman won't bother checking up on her controlling lover either.  Why bother?  "Whatever he does isn't as bad as the last one," she thinks.  "Besides, I

The last thing that is on the mind of a college student is a violent boyfriend or girlfriend.  He or she is far too busy with studies and extracurricular activities to think about these things, right?  Wrong.  Abusive lovers know how to charm gullible, young people to make time for them.  The busy college student who may have once put up defenses, during a slow period, will eventually drop them letting the violent man or woman come into that student's life especially if he or she has a place off campus to live, money to assist with tuition and books, fun ideas to spend time, and a car they can drive sometimes.  Parents, friends and others who notice someone new has come into the lives of  their loved ones should be watchful.  Looking for signs like: isolation, name-calling, controlling behavior (appearance, phone, friends), cheating, lying and more.  There are often patterns with abusers.  Those who are in contact with the student should be listening carefully to his or her co

With so much in the media about domestic violence lately, one can only wonder just how many couples will think twice before slapping, hitting, kicking, or doing other hurtful things to one another.  Physical and verbal abuse can happen to any couple doing anytime of their lives.  Sometimes we think of young couples physically fighting with one another or "those poor people..." but the reality is that men and women regardless of age, income, social status, upbringing, and more will fight.  The presence of mental illness might trigger constant fighting.  There could be issues with substance abuse that contribute to an all out war of words.  Then other times verbal and physical abuse could result because someone is overworked, tired, bitter about a past incident, vengeful, or any other reason he or she believes is worth beating a partner down with fists and words. When the presence of domestic violence is ongoing in a relationship, one must be certain he or she is ready to