Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Perfectionists Can Be Suicidal: How to Avoid the Dark Thoughts of Suicide Ever wonder why you start off in love with life, love, work, school or family, then later you can't stand yourself or anyone or anything else? Are you a perfectionist heading down a path of suicide? Read More

It wasn't too long ago that many of us were reeling from the news of domestic violence involving singers Chris Brown and Rihanna. According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, more than one million people, on average, are victims of domestic violence each year. The vast majority of victims are women, and if there is any hope to lessen domestic violence, it's important that we start educating our sons about it at an early age. This includes: 1. What Constitutes Domestic Violence. While many people think of domestic violence as a man consistently abusing a woman, we must help them understand that domestic violence is any violence which takes place amongst family members or those in an intimate relationship and that it can be a one time occurrence or continuous. 2. Respect For Women. Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Men who have little respect for women can often get abusive when things go awry. We must continue to teach our sons that women are to be tr...

As an adult have you experienced-but not limited to the following? • Little or no memory of childhood-age 3 to 12 • Trouble with relationships-on the job, in your family • Low self-esteem • Panic attacks-mild to severe • Anxiety • Phobias • Depression • Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately • alcohol/drug abuse • Obsessive compulsive behavior • Nightmares of being chased, trapped or surreal • Sensory flashes-unable to identify images • Insomnia • Suicidal thoughts or attempts • A sense of going crazy or feeling unreal compared to others • Shame, guilt • Sense of underlying humiliation • Baseless crying • Angry outbursts/rage seemingly for no reason • Inability to recognize feelings • Mood swings • Emotional shut down • Numbing or zoning out • Arthritis/joint pain • Diagnosis of ADD or ADHD, • Labeled an 'airhead' • Chronic/acute fear • Headaches/migraines • Eating disorders-anorexia, bulimia, obesity • PMS • Vaginismus • Gastrointestinal/gynecological disorders • Chro...

Tell me, does this describe someone you know? Some people who feel inferior use an addiction to try to overcome weaknesses, especially in times of increased stress or deep inner conflict. A person’s inner inferiority complex reveals itself in his or her actions such as addiction, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, child abuse, compulsive eating, blame and aggression among others. No successful person desires a destructive addiction. What people who choose addiction or abuse really want is the power and ability to create better lives. Fearing they do not have this power to improve their lives, you will hear these people use excuses and blame to justify their addiction and abuse and protect what little dignity they feel they have left. If you find yourself or others dealing with addiction or abuse, instead of justifying or blaming, ask the following questions: Do I really want healing and resolution for this addiction or abuse? Am I willing to improve myself to achieve healing? Do I realize I ca...

I was quite lucky. I wasn't abused as a child, so I knew the abuse happening to me as an adult shouldn't have been occurring. Not everyone who suffers from abuse is that lucky. When I left my abusive partner it was the first stage of recovery. My life was a wreck. I had two children, one living with me at the time, little money and very poor health. The road ahead looked bleak. I didn't feel good about myself. I felt depressed. I didn't really like or trust other people anymore and the future was just a scary black hole. During this relationship I allowed myself to be subjected to physical, mental and verbal abuse. But in this article I want to focus on the verbal abuse. What is verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is incessant ridicule, name-calling and mocking. The abuser will often blame you for things that have nothing to do with you and make you feel responsible for their mess in some way. When you talk about things they'll argue and say it's all your fault. After so...

Most often when we read or hear about the sexual abuse of children the stories are about the victimization of young girls. Less often discussed, but still pervasive, are the number of young boys who have also been affected. In the United States, one out of every six young men has been a victim. I am one of them; I was physically and sexually abused as a preteen. But what I want you to know is that I was healed and made whole through Jesus Christ and the same can be true for any boy or man who has walked in my shoes. In this article I will share some of the healing techniques that helped me overcome the residual effects associated with this painful and traumatic experience. Whether a person has been assaulted by a stranger or someone they know like an uncle, stepfather, mother, aunt or family friend, doesn’t really matter. In every case, as with all traumatic situations, the child suffers a threat to his life or body that is so overwhelming that it destroys all normal systems of safety ...

Chemically Imbalanced Men and the Brainwashed Women Who Love Them Some women have been repeatedly forewarned about the man in their life, yet they refuse to listen. What do you think will happen if they continue to stay in a troubled relationship? Here's what you need to share with a friend. Read More

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate : Questions About the Book by Nicholl McGuire Why do women stay with abusers? Why do they write books and talk about their experiences? One woman answers why she wrote her memoir, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. Read More

When I was in an abusive relationship back in 1996, I experienced some of the following things with my mate. It is so sad what we will do for love. I didn't know it at the time that all I was doing was giving him more power over me. He didn't love me anymore or any less. Looking back, he really didn't love himself, so how could he love me? One. We make excuses for his or her behavior. A customer service representative, sales clerk even a friend has witnessed our mate's insane behavior over the littlest of things. So what do we do? We apologize on behalf of our man. We talk about the stress he is under. We expect empathy from everyone because of his past unfortunate circumstances. Two. We lie for him or her. We think that by lying about any problem or situation our partner is experiencing that somehow they will treat us better. If anything, they will take what we did for them and wash our faces with it later. "How can I trust you? You lied to your mother for me!...

If you live with a resentful, angry, or emotional abusive person, you have most likely have already tried marriage counseling or individual psychotherapy. You may have tried sending your partner to some kind of anger-management group. Let me guess your experience: Your personal psychotherapy did not help your relationship, marriage counseling made it worse, your partner's psychotherapy made it still worse, and his anger-management or abuser classes lowered the tone but not the chronic blame of his resentment, anger, or abuse. Fortunately, you can learn something about healing from each one of these failed treatments, which we will examine next, one by one. Why Marriage Counseling Fails By the time most of my clients come to see me, they have already been to at least three marriage counselors, usually with disastrous results. A major reason for their disappointment is that marriage counseling presupposes that both parties have the skill to regulate guilt, shame, and feelings of inad...

Simply respond to this blog entry including your website or blog url address. If your site is not offensive and useful to my readers, it will also appear on the left side of this blog site using the link you supply and the title of the website or blog. Thanks for visiting. Nicholl McGuire Blog Publisher

How to Know Your Mate is Abusive This is the audio version of my article on this site "How to Know Your Mate is Abusive" and is also an excerpt from my book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by Nicholl McGuire. Read More

Chemically Imbalanced Men and the Brainwashed Women Who Love Them Some women have been repeatedly forewarned about the man in their life, yet they refuse to listen. What do you think will happen if they continue to stay in a troubled relationship? Here's what you need to share with a friend. Read More

She told me for the umpteenth time about this man she once loved coming over to her home, plopping down in front of the television, eating, and then sleeping in her bed. I guess it would have been okay if they had plans on getting married, but this wasn't the case. He got married while seeing her, weeks after the honeymoon he came back over to have sex. After his visits, he would send her text messages, and acted as if nothing was wrong. He had told her, "Listen I love my child's mother and I want to be with her, but we could still be friends." At first she was shocked, maybe she was still in shock because she did keep letting him in her bed. Now the wife (after almost two years of on again off again sex) is pregnant and he keeps coming in and out of the ex-girlfriend's life, because she allows him! That's right, she allows such abuse to go on. So what he is still sleeping with her and so what the wife is pregnant, but what is wrong so wrong abo...

You may have heard a story about domestic violence, been a victim yourself or just don't understand why women stay, whatever your reason for being interested in Domestic Violence Awareness, you are at least making an attempt to educate yourself and possibly help someone else and that's all anyone who once was a victim and those who are now deceased would want, but for those people who want to do more, the following are tips to help you get started. First, conduct research about domestic violence. You should be able to answer some of the why, how, when, what, and who questions related to the subject. Also, read about others' plights. Even though many of the stories have similar patterns, there is always something new in each that may stimulate thoughts of " I never knew that." Second, be sure that you are sincerely empathetic and not judgmental about those who have been in violent relationships. You will know if you have resolved your own issues about women who sta...

What is codependency? I've known numerous men who have been in relationships with clingy, needy, overly-emotional, jealous, and controlling women. These men are frustrated with what they perceive as their girlfriend's flaws. They often don't realize that their own behavior is contributing to the unhealthy relationship and allowing it to persist. These men are often stuck in codependent relationships. The term "codependent" is commonly used to refer to individuals who are overly reliant on their partners, using them as a crutch and not wanting to leave their side. However, it can apply to any unhealthy emotional dependency. When a man stays in a relationships with a clingy, jealous, critical partner, he feels dependent on her approval. Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship. He'd either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave. Men who get stuck in a codependent relation...

While it is a sick and sad thing to think about, animal abuse happens every day. There are many reasons why some people commit such horrible crimes. In many cases however, it has been proven time and time again that there is a link between animal abuse and domestic abuse. Those who commit acts of violence against lovers, children, and animals tend to do so because they feel empowered. They feel as though they can teach someone a lesson because the person or animal they are beating on is weaker than they are. This must stop. But when will it? Pets are a big part of homes that have children. In fact, 74.8 percent of the homes that have children, ages six and up, in them will have at least one pet. Women are the primary caregivers in three fourths of these homes. Reports collected from interviews with women in United States and Canadian domestic violence shelters show that about 70 percent have been witness to violence towards the animals in the home, from the abuser who attacked them. Wo...

Whether you give your time, street or email address, you are giving something away usually to get something. I am asking you to support my book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. In abusive relationships, women and men are giving something away too -- their lives! Some are doing it fully aware of the consequences and others are too blind to see what is happening before them. Since my last posting to this site a young woman who was suppose to get my book died. She was hit by a car trying to run away from her abuser and died. Would my book have touched her heart? I don't know, but if my book can touch someone you know who is in a similar situation then why not get it for them before it's too late? I was a victim of dating/domestic violence in 1996 and then I became a survivor the following year! However, the years following would require spiritual counseling, prayer, and family. Some of you reading this are already aware of my book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. O...

Far too often, domestic abuse survivors go from the frying pan to the fire on their way out of an abusive relationship. And they wonder how this can happen. While it doesn’t always happen, it’s more common than most people realize. I lived systemic abuse; I write about it, I know it from the core of my being. But, I never understood it so thoroughly until I was asked to explain it to someone whose life was altered dramatically by it. What is “systemic abuse?” The word “systemic” is defined as “relating to or referring to the whole organism.” I liken systemic abuse to any systemic disease. It erodes the very elements that sustain the organism. Systemic abuse, as I see it, is the manifestation of abuse by that deemed to protect the abused. The net result: the perpetuation of domestic violence by the very systems that purport to stop it. Survivors of domestic abuse far too often meet systemic abuse face-to-face in their efforts to seek safety from an abusive partner. She can be the defend...

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As women, we have a bad habit of denying the truth that sits right in front of our eyes! When we aren't ready to accept what someone has told us or did to us, we try to ignore the signs. We talk ourselves out of what we see and hear from the man who has rejected us. We blame ourselves. We try to rationalize our man's past erratic behavior. Instead of being in denial, we need to come to terms with the truth that sits right between our eyes. If he says he doesn't love us -- accept it! If he says he doesn't want to live with us -- accept it! We, as women, have this twisted ideology about love. We try to reword what he is telling us to make us feel comfortable. We try to persuade him to change his mind. The reality is he meant what he said and he said what he meant. Now if he deviates from his script, we have to reason that he wants something from us, and unfortunately it usually is a night or two of sex. Then he is back to preaching how he doesn't want to be with you,...

If you haven't experienced any abuse before with your partner, and now within recent years he seems to be verbally or physically abusive, consider this...he may be going through a midlife crisis. Is there really anything that a woman can do to help herself when she is in a situation where she has spent years trying to build a life with him only for him to say one day, "I'm bored...you changed...things are different...I want out!" Maybe there is, click the following link: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4997.html and may God be with you in this challenging time!

Alcohol abuse effects can be far-reaching and devastating. The effects of alcohol abuse not only have consequences for the drinker but those around her or him as well. Alcohol abuse effects can be both psychological and physical. Alcohol consumption causes changes in behavior. The physical effects of alcohol abuse can be experienced with as little as one or two drinks. Impaired judgment and coordination needed to operate a car safely may result in the drinker having an accident. Alcoholism is an illness where alcoholic beverage consumption is at a level that interferes with physical or mental health, and negatively impacts social, family or occupational responsibilities. Alcohol abusers are drinkers that may drink excessively at various times with resulting immediate alcohol abuse effects at the time of excess alcohol consumption. The immediate physical effects of alcohol abuse can be experienced as soon as ten minutes after drinking begins. With continued alcohol consumption on that o...

I think some women converse about injuries such as a black eye, missing teeth, burned body part, or choking experience with other victims as if they are in some kind of dark competition. For example, I hear some try to outdo one another by saying things like, "What he did to you...look at what he did to me..." As if the more abuse you have received at the hands of your abuser, the more so-called experience you are in situations such as these! Give me a break! It's nonsense...the way I see it some women have embraced this twisted concept of "once a victim always a victim, so let me show you how bad he hurt me!" The person who has recovered from the abuse and considers herself no longer a victim, but a survivor, doesn't care about your scars or how many you have as compared to hers, all she is listening for in your story is "so have you learned anything?" Some of these "abuse braggers" I call them, usually haven't learned much of any...

Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me," is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply wounding to the soul. If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being abused. Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control the other person - to have power over the other's feelings and actions. Verbal abuse includes: • Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative • Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, explosiveness, jealousy • Blaming the other for the abuser's behavior • Demanding, ordering • Being critical and judgmental Verbal abuse is al...

You may have experienced the silent treatment. In case you aren't familiar with this type of abuse, it's when a man or woman walks around for days, weeks or even months upset about something and refuses to talk with you about what ails them. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and you don't have a clue what is going on with them. So you ask them repeatedly, "What's wrong?" And they either say, "nothing" or continue to make you feel there is something wrong without telling you what it is. The suspense kills you, eats you up inside and sometimes you feel as if you are walking on egg shells. There are times when you will play over and over in your head the last conversation you had, what you said, what he or she said, and still come up with nothing. Meanwhile, he or she continues to punish you with silence. They refuse to be affectionate. They act as if they want nothing to do with you, and even if they do want something from you, they will get it and then go...

You may have heard a relative, friend or even yourself say, "But I love him..." when someone points out something wrong in your relationship and encourages you to break up with your partner. Usually people who say, "but I love him..." are really saying, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings or mine." You see, people like to put off pain for as long as they can. Sure, the girlfriend may have an abusive partner, and yes she is in plenty enough pain physically, but emotional pain is something different. If you are a mother you know that the physical pain you experience during childbirth is nothing compared to the emotional pain you feel when someone close to you dies. At least with childbirth, you have a chance to catch your breath between contractions, but when someone dies that ache lasts for some their entire lifetime! So when the abused woman says, "But I love him..." she isn't ready to let go, because to let go means that she will...

If you know someone that is being abused or you are a victim yourself, the help out there is enourmous! Rather than looking all over the Internet for credible sources, I have listed a website that has many of them listed in the State of California. You can find your state's information by scrolling to the bottom of the website. Just click the following link: http://www.divorcesource.com/shelters/california.shtml

Domestic violence reared its ugly head when Nicholl McGuire, a young college student met a man ten years older back in 1996. In her first book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Nicholl struggles with whether she should stay or leave her abuser in a series of poems that chronicle her hellish nine-month experience. Her roller coaster ride of emotions in the book provide valuable insight on the struggles abused women face when making a decision to help or escape their abusers. “This book isn’t for the woman who has already left the relationship,” Nicholl says. “Instead, it’s for the woman who is contemplating on leaving the relationship and the woman whose still convinced she can help her lover come hell or high water. Readers will be advised, encouraged, and challenged to examine their own relationships through self-analysis questions that appear at the bottom of most pages in the book.” When asked why she wrote this book, Nicholl explains, “I wrote it because I remember feeling alone a...

This has gotten past the point of ridiculous. You are not naive and have always understood that all dating relationships have their ups and downs. That also includes a fair amount of arguing. Everyone is different so there are bound to be occasional conflicts of opinion from time to time. That's how relationships work. But your dating partner has gone off the charts one too many times for you to ignore it anymore. Irritated turns into anger very quickly and then they fly into a rage that at times is out of control. And yes on more than one occasion it has scared the daylights out of you. Afterwards they calm down and apologize profusely (or do they?) and promise you it will never happen again. You've heard that before but it keeps happening and each time it gets a little more severe. For some people in a relationship, they look at this as a challenge to overcome. They decide that they are strong enough to not only take it but give it back in full force if necessary. By standing...

Women who have been victims of dating and domestic violence are the most suceptible to spiritual abuse in my opinion. You see, having gone through dating and domestic violence, I found myself open to anyone who would tell me, "Jesus loves you!" I was eager to return to my roots. I participated in a liquid fast for 40 days and nights to seek God's face under the urging of the Holy Spirit -- I was literally sold out for God! But just as Jesus was tempted at the end of his fast by the devil, so was I. He came to me in the form of false angels inviting me to all sorts of false churches and I accepted every invite. At some point I would end up defending my belief in God with tears in my eyes to a group of people who reminded me of my sin. They treated me as if I was under interrogation down at a police station. So I pose this question to you, are you in labor with an abusive mate called, "Spiritual Abuse"? Is he or she pressuring you with statements like "i...