Saturday

No More Silent Treatment, Verbal or Physical Beatings - Draw the Line in the Sand

An angry, troubled, or mean-spirited partner isn't going to change as long as you enable him or her and neither are you.  How long will you keep loving a screwed up person while sacrificing the love you have for yourself?

A victim who has been hurt so much by a partner (and others) is going to eventually withdraw affection in a relationship. How many times does one think you can keep hollering, name-calling, lying, shoving, threatening, and more and the good times are going to keep on rolling?

When laboring to love someone, you eventually burn out.  You start to recognize you aren't smiling or laughing like you use to around the individual.  You discover that you can be happy without him or her.  You enjoy life the way God intended as long as the trouble-making, energy sapping person is not around you.

Relationships are hard work, but worse with mean, crazy-making people.  These partnerships are mentally and physically demanding with controlling, hot-tempered or moody men and women.  You are more patient than most with your troubled partner, but impatient with others.  You spend so much time ensuring a partner's comfort, that you forget about your own.  You have money available when he or she needs it, but no money for others who need help.  You appear to love the abuser more, than you do your own family.  You make yourself act kind with him or her, but don't hesistate to be mean with your children.  You seek peace with the mean spouse, but start or jump into wars with everyone else.

So you have choices, whether you or the one who abuses you thinks you don't, you can live for you--it's okay to look out for you and feel safe.  At times, it is a slow, painful process toward freedom and it just might mean getting professionals involved with your situation.  From moving out the bed (sleeping elsewhere in the home) to moving cross country, if you really want to break free from an emotionally and physically abusive person you can.  Take baby steps.  It took me months in one relationship and years in another to be free.  So if your safety isn't at risk, you can stick around for a little bit while saying goodbye to things like:  the madness, shame, crazy-making, verbal insults, cheating, and more, before leaving for good!

Here are some tips you can use during your "not ready to leave" experience with someone you are laboring to love:

1)  Release yourself from the "need to know."  You already know that a partner is a cheater, liar, angry person, etc.  So why do you seek additional information while worrying yourself sick?  Do you plan on using what you find in a divorce proceeding?  If not, stop the snooping.  Focus on what you are and aren't doing to bring peace to you.  When you redirect your focus, in time you won't feel the need to look through his or her things.

2)  Do you find yourself staying up late at night, eating less, and overly concerned about your lover's whereabouts?  Keeping up with everything a partner does is almost impossible to do.  Do you plan on hiring a private investigator?  What if he/she turns up nothing?  You just wasted money that could have been saved for your future move.  Your suspicions will not go away easily, no matter what you do, especially when a partner just went into hiding with his behaviors.  I ask again, are you ready to divorce? Then why are you letting your thoughts run wild?  He screws up, you know it.  What about you?  Get some rest, exercise, watch your portion sizes, make a doctor's appointment, and take a mini-vacation (without your partner)?  Can't leave the state for fear he or she might hurt you?  How about shopping, volunteering, helping relatives and friends, etc.?

3)  Someone saw something, noticed your partner is up to no good, now what?   So what are you going to do about it?  Confront him or her so that there will be another lie told, another screaming match or possibly a physical altercation?  Do you want that?  Do you want him or her in jail while you pack your things and move out?  Sit back and wait for more evidence to show up at your door.  Thank your messengers, don't shoot them down!  Then gather all your evidence and fight it out in court.   You can do what many old couples do, "Forget about it..." or live apart for awhile--your choice.

4)  Pray and pray some more.  If you have a faith, do you really think that God doesn't listen to those who are obedient to Him.  Notice, obedience to God is key here.  If you have a half-hearted relationship with God that is all about your issues with a partner, then it isn't any wonder why God doesn't answer your prayers.  You made that man or woman an idol in your life.  Confess sin and repent and stop focusing on your partner so much.  Check your relationship with God, ask Him what his plan is for your life and ask him to examine your heart.  Are you as good as you claim to be?

5)  So the silent treatment seems to be ongoing and you just can't seem to get through to your partner. Find others to talk to and learn not to engage the individual in conversation first.  The quieter you are, the better.  Your partner needs to worry about you sometime.  No need to update him or her on everything that is going on with you and your family.  That's what friends are for--use them!  You might have abandoned many since your abusive partner came into your world--catch up with them!

6)  The verbal and physical beatings are going to have to stop and it's in your power to do so.  You fight back, your partner fights back and sooner or later one or both of you will be riding to the police station or in a body bag.  No excuses for abuse!  Talk to the boss about some overtime and save some money.  Keep your eyes open for other ways to make money legally.  You will need the funds for your future freedom.  Do your research on new housing if need be.  Know your rights to property you already own, bank accounts, investments, retirement savings, etc. and any challenges your partner might create in the future.  Enlist the help of someone who doesn't know you or your partner but can provide you with legal resources, counseling services, food assistance (for when you leave him or her), childcare, and more.  Know your budget.  Cut off unnecessary household spending and gifts especially on your partner.

You can do it!  Draw the line in the sand and leave it there.  You will survive emotionally and physically through your storms.  You will do what is right for you and children (if you have them). Admit you made a bad decision in a mate, now fix it.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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