Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

You heard the songs that talk of a man or woman in a relationship not being able to live without one another.  Some talk of dying if they can't be with the other.  It all sounds so romantic, but this loving talk has a dark side.  It programs couples to think that they can't manage in this world without one another.  In time, one is on the suicide path.  This sort of thinking is toxic! A person that feels like he or she can't move, sleep, awake, go anywhere, or do anything without the other has become trapped in a cage of a relationship where there is no key to escape.  One's mind is consumed with the thoughts of the other quite often.  Whenever an independent thought or idea comes up, the abused victim thinks, "If I make this move or that one, what will he think, what might he do?  If I go here, how will she react?"  On the surface, it appears reasonable to consider the thoughts of the other, but for victims of frequent emotional and physical abuse this hap

Those good days are mere teasers that play with your mind.  They make you feel like you are getting somewhere in a miserable relationship when you are really headed nowhere.  It's like a dead end or a one way street living with someone who is abusive.  You keep getting turned around and around.  It feels good driving down that road at first until you get to the brick wall at the end of the road.  At first, you are so grateful to be going somewhere, it appears like you are on your way until you get turned around yet again!  Then you start on what you think is a new path, you feel somewhat empowered at least for the moment until your abuser has a bad day. He or she may have made you feel comfortable for a moment with that sweet look and loving touch. You might have falsely believed that this person was now confident in the relationship, trusted and loved you and really wanted to make things work until the other shoe drops and here we go again: ignoring, yelling, blaming, cursing,

People lose their tempers and do stupid, cold-hearted, and crazy things while raging.  There are no excuses, no blame, or anything else that will cover up what happened.  A man or woman who loses control will reap what he or she sows.  This is why when you know that you have little time, patience and energy for relationships, don't get involved!  Simply tell the person, you can't handle being with someone intimately at this point in your life.  So now that someone is aware of your dark side, know that the relationship is really not what you think it is, it becomes nothing more than a cage for a victim.  You have captured her mind, body and spirit through a mixture of kindness and violence, shut the door of what you created for her (a cage/prison cell), and when you feel like showing affection, your version of love, and communication you give it to her.  Since the hit, slap, kick, choking, etc. here's what to expect: 1.  She will never be the girl you once knew. 2.  She

Believe it or not, there are emotionally and physically battered men, women and children in this world who have grown quite accustomed to being in what we would say is "a bad situation."  They have found that staying with abusers is much easier for them then trying to live independently. The pain, relocation stress, worry of bills, children's cries for the angry parent, and more are future issues that they don't want to have to deal with; therefore, these victims just resolve in their minds to stay with abusers.  They have no plans on getting free of anything because they don't believe that the relationship is so bad that they need to leave.  For some victims, they know that their abusers controlling and manipulative tactics are wrong, but they just deal with them anyway while hoping things get better year after year after year.  Others are aware that being hit, choked, slapped, kicked, or shoved is bad, but they don't bother to retaliate, call the police,

"Still here. So unsure. He blames me for his sins, takes everything personally, abandons instead of deals with martial issues (we have not resolved issues since married), I am suppose to act perfect, he acts superior, have been told he won't meet marital needs or desires until I behave, he determines sexual times, doesn't care about me or anything except his things. So confused. My brain is a mess. I miss my relationship with The Lord...I cannot even think straight anymore. Sorry so much to say:(" The above quote was from a real person, who for safety reasons we are keeping the identity private. Presently she is in a relationship with a partner who is abusive. Notice how the abuser makes her feel like she is to act "perfect" while he acts "superior." He apparently uses passive aggressive techniques to get her to "behave." What is worse, while she remains in this controlling relationship with him, she describes her brain as being in

If you think yelling, cursing, pushing, biting, kicking, and more that some couples do just because it's Valentine's Day will stop, think again!  This is an emotionally charged holiday for some that drives them to want to make past wrongs right through small or large tokens of appreciation depending on one's budget.  The less money, the more an abusive lover might be frustrated that he or she can't buy away guilty feelings.  For a victim of dating or domestic violence, no amount of money will quell the pain that eats away at some as a result of yet another barrage of insults, shaming, ignoring, lying, cheating, beating, etc.  The emotionally and physically broken partner might receive a sweet gift, have a nice dinner, attend a movie, and have sex with their abusive boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, or lover, but it is only a matter of time that the abuse will start back up again. When you know that abuse whether emotional or physical is prevalent in your relationship,

You might be in an abusive relationship right now or you know someone who is.  Abuse doesn't always look like what we might think. Sometimes people are in bad relationships for any number of reasons, but whatever they are doesn't mean that they are right!  Just because these people aren't getting beaten near death, doesn't mean they aren't getting abused. Whether abuse is high on the pain scale or not, if someone is controlling another emotionally or physically, it is abusive!  For instance, if I were to give you a long list of demands and manipulate your life in such a way that you were following the beat of my drum (and only mine) then I am being controlling.  If you were to object and create your own beat and I told you not to and that there would be consequences, depending on your life experiences (like knowing someone in your family like me), in addition to what you thought of me (loved me, parent of our child, ride or die buddies, etc), you might go along

This wasn't brave of her, it was cruel, selfish, and crazy, she allowed another human being to humiliate her, beat her, rule the kids, teach the family how to hate, manipulate, lie, and abuse others. Oh, what a twisted mind will do for love! We judge, hate, and sometimes we cut off contact with abused relatives and friends.  These victims serve as reminders of when we were once weak.  We too permitted others to abuse and use us whether we knew their intentions or didn't believe what they were doing, either way we were being emotionally hurt over and over again until we wised up. Self-righteous victims and survivors are so busy trying to make something that isn't meant to be, meant while others have become so weary of relationship, work, and other dramas that the fight to do anything different just isn't there anymore.  Therefore partners can cheat while victims look away, children can be disobedient without little, if any, discipline, money is wasted on useless goo

Many couples will take off the boxing gloves for Valentine's Day depending on how long they have been together.  The abusive one will pause for a moment to feel good, look nice, eat well, and drink happily.  The victim will play along.  All will appear nice and everyone will be on their best behavior--at least we hope so.  But for how long? Those Valentine's Day holiday trinkets warm hearts for a moment.  They make couples feel hopeful about the future--even if they are in a mess of dysfunction.  For a time, the victim might tell herself, "He isn't so bad.  That's my Sweetheart, I remember why I love him so much."  Abused men with angry female partners might say something similar to themselves.  "I know she gets a little crazy sometimes, but I love my Babe."  If someone should point out a lover's faults, the victim will cry foul and act as if he or she never had any major issues with his or her angry partner.  But who is he or she fooling? H