Wednesday

Uncontrolled PMS & Menopause Issues: A Recipe for Disaster

Could it Be That These Health Issues Contributed to Women Being Abusive Toward Men?

"What did he do to cause her to hit him? He probably deserved it."

"As big as he is and he is accusing her of being abusive?"

"Why would he call the police on her?"

This is just a sample of the many quotes that have been said about men who have been in violent relationships with their abusive wives and girlfriends. Women aren't the only victims when it comes to domestic violence, men have their share of stories too. "It takes two to tango," so the saying goes. And what the public rarely hears is his side of the story and if he chooses to share it, would we believe him anyway?

Picture this, an irritable, emotional, hungry, wife with an emotional disorder that occurs two weeks out of every month. She doesn't seem to think her problem is serious. She barks out orders to her husband and children like a drill sergeant. She makes false accusations about everything from someone stealing something from her (which she most likely misplaced) to her husband and children being liars. In addition to her extreme mood swings, she is very bitter about her life, because she has a past riddled with abuse.

Now while she is struggling with her moods and bodily changes, her mother is dealing with menopausal issues. Her very spiritual mother believes that God is going to help her, although she hasn't received any miracle for her condition in the past ten years. She avoids prescription medicines, swallows herbal supplements that are no help, and she hurls insults at those who tell her she needs to seek medical attention. Her husband catches her fury sometimes daily. He never does anything good enough from sex to taking out the trash. "He is ugly, useless, worthless, pathetic, and a demon," she tells her friends. But what they don't know is that this mother and her daughter have a sad history of the mother being abused by her parents, then later in life the mother abuses her daughter and so on.

The father has been assaulted numerous times by his wife. She has slapped, hit, pushed, and insulted him in front of the children. He never bothered to call the police for fear of being embarrassed, not believed, and worst being hauled off to jail. What would the police say if he told him that at times he had to restrain his screaming, crazy wife, by sitting on her?

Meanwhile, the daughter has inherited her mother's emotional issues and now she too, is behaving badly with her husband. He has threatened to leave the family home, because of her manic episodes, and she says, "Go ahead, but if you do I will tell the police you hit me and abused our children." So he stays and puts up with her apologetic cries of "I don't know what came over me, please forgive me!" She always promises to get help, but she doesn't.


Now we have all heard about extreme psychological disorders that caused women to snap and murder their children, kill a live-in partner, or commit suicide or some other violent act, but what we haven't heard in the mainstream media how a severe case of PMS or menopause triggered a woman to act violently toward a man or her children. Instead, the information is vague usually stating a mental illness, abusive past or some named psychological disorder which contributed to the abuse or homicide and sometimes only the incident is mentioned in the media, but not the warning signs or the state of mind the perpetuator was in when it happened. Rather, they tell us a man was killed after girlfriend discovered XYZ or "a couple fought over XYZ that led to the death of..."we rarely get the details or the medical history in a follow up story that led to the tragic event.

Internet medical sites such as WebMd.com and MayoClinic.com list a host of symptoms related to Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) and Menopause, many of which are similar. There are 35 symptoms related to menopause alone. Some of the main ones include: memory lapses, irregular heartbeat, irritability, mood swings, insomnia, irregular menstrual periods, loss of libido, vaginal dryness, sudden fatigue, and anxiety. There are approximately 11 symptoms related to PMS which typically occur one to two weeks prior to the menstrual cycle which include: feeling tired, having trouble sleeping, upset stomach and bloating, headache or backache, tension, irritability, mood swings and crying spells. With these kinds of symptoms, it is a wonder why any woman would not seek medical treatment unless of course she is in denial, her symptoms aren't severe, or she just isn't in touch with her body?

So is there a connection between a woman going through PMS or Menopause and domestic violence? The only one that could answer that question is the man, woman or children in this turbulent relationship. It is obvious that these symptoms could be blamed for an argument that goes out of control. Put yourself in the man's shoes for a moment. You are trying to have a conversation with an irritable, tense woman who is ready to cry about almost anything. You forget that she is going through that time of the month or season in her life and so you find yourself yelling at her and her back at you and over the course of the argument, she is hurling a pan at your head. Now although this may be humorous to some and even excusable, it is considered violent and if he were to call the police on her, in some states, she would go to jail.

Here's another example, how about the man who has problems with his temper. He has a history of being controlling, a learned behavior he inherited from his father. He dates a girlfriend who also has a similar history. Now throw a PMS or menopausal symptom or two or three or maybe all 35 in the mix with his and her controlling temperaments, topped off with no treatment for the disorder and no therapy, and now you have a recipe for disaster!

What about a man who is going through severe Andropause and his wife is going through extreme Menopause, both are in denial and neither one are on a medication to ease their symptoms, wouldn't you think at some point the two will clash? Could it be that their extreme mood swings may cause them to swing at each other?

In summary, men and women need to be in touch not only with one another, but with what is going on inside their bodies. Who knows how many of these situations of abused men could have been avoided had the woman sought help for her condition? As mentioned before, it isn't always the man who is at fault in situations of domestic violence. Women can do things to provoke an incident and then when the police show up claim that he hurt them to avoid going to jail themselves. Nowadays more and more men and women are both going to jail as laws change and their children are ending up in foster care. We need not only be vocal about abused women, but we must also be vocal about battered men. Of course, there are more women being abused or killed than men, according to the National Crime Victimization Survey in 2003 where 85 percent of intimate partner violence (IPV) victims were women and that firearms were the weapon of choice in many homicides that occurred between 1991-1998. However, this doesn't mean we should ignore the other side of the story. What were the events that led up to the violent attack? What were the signs prior? If we interviewed family members and friends what would they honestly say?

Women who notice a pattern in their moods each month or are told by family and friends about their negative behaviors should start the process of tracking their symptoms each month. You can get a free PMS Symptom Tracker at http://womenshealth.gov/faq/pmsymptracker45.pdf once you have recorded your symptoms for the month, make an appointment to see your doctor and discuss what you have learned. He or she may prescribe a medication and/or advise you on what vitamin supplements to take, discuss dietary changes and exercise, and other tips to help you. For those who are spiritual, yes prayer is definitely helpful, but it isn't always the cure all, that is why God made doctors, so use them!

So what do men do if they are in a situation where a woman is attacking them? Leave. If he stays and tries to restrain her, she can call the police on him and in some states this is considered abusive and may lead to felony charges. He must not take a situation of abuse lightly. He will have to set boundaries and tell her that if she hits him, this will be the last and he will have to end the relationship immediately. If he doesn't put a stop to such behavior, it most likely will get worse. The abused man will have to be vocal and tell the police, a counselor, doctor, friend, and relatives. If he is quiet about her behavior, it may be used against him later in court. Her attorney will say that if he was being abused why didn't he report it. The excuse of being embarrassed will not help his case and his partner's counsel will make him look like he is lying. Documented incidents may help his case if there are children involved as well and evidence shows she was verbally and/or physically abusive to them as well. However, in some cases the court has still awarded the children to the abusive parent anyway.

If you know a man who has been abused by his wife or girlfriend or you had been the victim in this kind of relationship, feel free to leave your comments on how you got free. Also, if you suspect that your partner has an emotional disorder related to PMS or Menopause that causes her to be violent toward you, please share your story.

For resources in your area for men who have been battered, visit the following link http://www.menstuff.org/resources/resourcefiles/alttoviolence.html#localmatv.

For more work by Nicholl McGuire,Click Here!

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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