So you talk about the part you played in the incident without much emotion. You aren't screaming, crying or reacting in a way he might expect. You may even throw in an apology and then hopefully that is it. You might proceed to excuse yourself. I did these things. But it isn't over; "The We Need to Talk" session is far from over. My abuser brought up the offenses yet again in different ways within minutes or during another time that same day. Sometimes in the form of jokes and insults exacting revenge on me subtly. The words would become harsher, another argument would ensue, and then the ears and body would take more of his abuse. He didn't want to feel like I was in control. My being out of control made him feel like he was superior, so he would set me up to fail. Watch this sort of thing with any abusive person. This Set Up is to get you to do something out of character so that he or she can tell the world, the police, your relatives, or whoever that you were in the wrong and he or she is in the right. Stay out of abusers' playgrounds (calling them, visiting their homes, going to their workplaces, attending their churches, etc.)
There is an inner voice that all of us human beings have that warns us of things not to say or do. Many of us have this gentle voice inside, but we tend to suffocate it with what we want to do right now. If you are a believer, who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you most likely connect the voice to God, "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you" (John 14:26, NKJV). However, at times we grieve the Holy Spirit by not listening and obeying. "Do not grieve The Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:15-16, 30, NKJV).
Let's say your instinct tells you during a first meeting with someone, "He's not the one. He cheats. He hurts women. He doesn't care about anyone, but himself." Yet, he distracts your inner voice with a kind deed, great conversation, and promises to bring something to you he thinks you like. You quiet that voice with, "I guess he isn't such a bad guy." Many women will give a guy like this a second, third, fourth chance complete with a homemade meal and sex. Who wins in the end? Of course, the manipulator does.
How long was one separated from the public charmer? Was it one, two, five, or 12 months? Maybe it has been years of missing one another and now the pair are back together. There was plenty of free time between break ups for Mr. Charmer to begin a new chapter with someone else and then suddenly abandon that short book while re-writing an old one. What did the break produce for the private abuser? Well for some of the men I knew, they were relatives and friends who impregnated other women, caught diseases, and did other despicable things between relationship breakups. So the pain comes flooding forth once again for these hopeful women who just wanted a drama-free relationship. The niceties are thrown out the window as the storm of curse words come flooding forth; Mr. Charmer is caught off guard, "How did you know? That's not what happened, what I meant to say was...What is going on? I thought things would be different this time?" He must have forgotten the lies he told, the paperwork cover-ups, the people who don't like him and snitched, the after work trips to everywhere but home, as well as the e-mails, texts, Internet history, and other things he carelessly left behind.
Truth is hard to accept with men who feed off of building stellar reputations for themselves. How much money will he pay you to be quiet about what you know? What might he say or do to keep you from reporting those times he threatened or even beat you to the police? You might be contemplating everything from revenge to suicide while in a rollercoaster romance. Why doesn't this seemingly nice guy just behave himself?
He has his share of mental issues, the ones you and others know about and some stuff he has been keeping to himself for years. With hormone levels fluctuating, pains in his body, or unexplainable conditions, it is quite difficult to determine whether one has the strength to continue in such an energy-sapping relationship for a lifetime. There are just far too many challenges that have already happened and many more to come and unless one can endure the emotional and physical stress of being with a troubled partner, you will find yourself at times breaking far more off than you can chew.
Don't think that families aren't affected by the break up to make up merry-go-round, because they are. They hate having to see a loved one go through trials with partners who simply don't deserve their love. They wish for sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, and other relatives to do away with hypocritical, self-righteous, abusive, and controlling mates. Some will even plot to help usher a break up, while having someone else in mind for a loved one. Most families, particularly the males, do not support their beloved female relatives to stay with "good-for-nothing men" so I have repeatedly heard loved ones say about some trouble-making family members.
Excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire