Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

In the beginning of the relationship, the man was quite engaged with his new partner.   Asking her about her day, sharing entertaining information about his self, and communicating future plans.   However, about four or six months later, he became withdrawn.   He didn’t offer any information without being asked and even then, he seemed visibly irritated when his lover questioned him about anything.   The woman became increasingly frustrated and tried doing more to get him to talk such as:   perform acts of service, buy gifts, shower with kind words, etc., but to no avail, the man became more closed off about himself with each passing day.   This is the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship, a partner is deliberately withholding emotion, conversation and any other response that helps build a stable intimate relationship.   In time, there is no open or honest communication coming from the abusive one.   Questions are answered with yes,...

We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands.  In the San Bernardino shooting  involving an abusive husband and his estranged wife, media reports say he was at the school to drop something off to the school teacher, but what he was really there for was to kill her and himself.  Unfortunately, two children were caught in the crossfire of domestic violence. What goes on at home, especially if the relationship is turbulent, doesn't stay there.   Tell your business it just might save a life! When one has a troubled mind the issues eventually show up and impact others--innocent children, relatives, law enforcement, paramedics, etc.  The husband had a criminal history in the San Bernardino shooting, an obvious red flag for the woman who married him, but she dismissed it. From desperation to be in a relationship to needing help with the bills and/or children, many needy women drive th...

Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me," is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply wounding to the soul. If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being abused. Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control the other person - to have power over the other's feelings and actions. Verbal abuse includes: • Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative • Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, explosiveness, jealousy • Blaming the other for the abuser's behavior • Demanding, ordering • Being critical and judgmental Verbal abuse is al...

He lies, yells, curses, blames, and does other things to disrespect his partner and she forgives, doesn't forget and continues to forgive again and again.  Meanwhile, the tension from repeated battles between the pair keeps building up.  Their nasty words feel like they are stuck on walls.  Being in the same room with an abusive man is beginning to get old for the victim.  However, despite the warning signs, there are five things that this victim keeps doing when she is laboring to love her abusive mate.  Repeatedly these issues have been written about on this blog.  Let's review. 1.  She keeps telling herself, "Things will change." "I love him...I know he had a bad day.  He will treat me better, I just know it."  So the honeymoon comes and goes and the arguments seem to worsen and its becoming more difficult to let some things said and done go. 2.  She believes that her controlling mate lov...

When you have been out of an abusive relationship for some time, one can be a bit self-righteous.  Some women and men fail to realize that there is a process that many must undergo physically, mentally and dare I say it, spiritually (because there are those who skip over that part and end up right back with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive) before you can break free.  But for those readers who don't understand the depth at which an abusive relationship affects others will compare their own lives, thoughts, opinions, and experiences on what they believe others should do now, not later. Being that I went through a journey to work on loving someone who didn't love his self, I don't encourage people to stay with their abusers, but what I do is speak with the one who is working hard to make something happen that just isn't meant to be, hence the title, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."  Sometimes former abused women and men can be like...

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father.  Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said this...my Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children.  - They can't handle too much no...

"Still here. So unsure. He blames me for his sins, takes everything personally, abandons instead of deals with martial issues (we have not resolved issues since married), I am suppose to act perfect, he acts superior, have been told he won't meet marital needs or desires until I behave, he determines sexual times, doesn't care about me or anything except his things. So confused. My brain is a mess. I miss my relationship with The Lord...I cannot even think straight anymore. Sorry so much to say:(" The above quote was from a real person, who for safety reasons we are keeping the identity private. Presently she is in a relationship with a partner who is abusive. Notice how the abuser makes her feel like she is to act "perfect" while he acts "superior." He apparently uses passive aggressive techniques to get her to "behave." What is worse, while she remains in this controlling relationship with him, she describes her brain as being in...

The tears came often for a long time with every offense, secret found out, lie told, and more.  The emotional abusive, physically violent, and miserable type of men that came and went out of my life (as well as those who I had pushed out), I had grown weary of the tears I cried for them.  Swollen eyes, darken circles, and that feeling of weakness that comes over you from crying so much had worn me down emotionally, physically and spiritually time and time again.  I even stopped going to church for a long time because I just didn't need to feel emotionally charged, crying yet again over all that went wrong was the last thing I wanted to do.  Yet, I eventually did go and kept going, and to my surprise, the guilt, grief, and other emotional burdens left. As I grew older, more secure in myself, and taking charge of my life, I realized that the tears weren't falling as much as they once did.  I could care less about "the acts" that my abusers had put on to appe...

When I was in an abusive relationship back in 1996, I experienced some of the following things with my mate. It is so sad what we will do for love. I didn't know it at the time that all I was doing was giving him more power over me. He didn't love me anymore or any less. Looking back, he really didn't love himself, so how could he love me? One. We make excuses for his or her behavior. A customer service representative, sales clerk even a friend has witnessed our mate's insane behavior over the littlest of things. So what do we do? We apologize on behalf of our man. We talk about the stress he is under. We expect empathy from everyone because of his past unfortunate circumstances. Two. We lie for him or her. We think that by lying about any problem or situation our partner is experiencing that somehow they will treat us better. If anything, they will take what we did for them and wash our faces with it later. "How can I trust you? You lied to your mother for me!...

Although I didn't have any new visible scars after I left my abusive relationship back in 1996, I did have plenty of wounds on my heart and my mind that didn't start to heal until I recognized the truth about myself and the man I thought would one day be my husband. I realized that I had a history of connecting with wounded souls on an intimate level even when I really didn't like my dates that much from the start.  How and why did that happen?  It may have started back during my teens when I thought that appeasing a hurting man or woman by giving into their requests was the way to go based on the dysfunctional programming that I watched on and off the television screen.  I saw my relatives do just that when I was a child--give in.  Time and time again they would act like they didn't want to help a manipulator, player, pimp, or hustler, but their mouths would say, "Yes, but only this time."  Codependency was something I was all too familiar with since as a c...

They can do no wrong, the children of two dysfunctional parents, they are esteemed by their abusive fathers far more than their mothers who gave birth to them.  Why?  Simply put, most abusers revel in being able to control children--they are seen as extensions of themselves and tools to be used. The victim reaches a boiling point in the relationship that she can't take the emotional and physical control any longer, the abuser knows this, so dad is going for the children.  They will listen and obey or else.    Strange as it may seem, for many abusers it is okay for them to abuse both mothers and children, but someone else dare correct their children including their own mother, they better look out!  For example, if the mothers were to discipline their offspring such as: take their toys for misbehaving, yell about poor grades, or remove gaming devices for not doing chores once again, they are made out to be the bad guy.  Dad may not go all in about corre...

You walked in late one night from hanging out with your friends, may be it was work, or visiting with relatives, "Whatever you were doing, you are late!" your abusive partner shouts. You ask him what is he so angry about. You tell him that you are a grown woman and you can do whatever you want and then it happens. He hits you hard in the face. laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com One evening you are over your boyfriend's apartment watching television, suddenly his phone rings, you answer and there on the other end of the receiver a friendly, female's voice asks you, "Who are you?" You tell her, she hangs abruptly. Moments later you hear the front door open, it's him. He starts off with a simple greeting, proceeds to the bedroom, changes out of his work clothes into something more comfortable, and then seats himself into his favorite recliner in the living room to watch the game. You decide that you need to talk to him about the woman who just...

No one ever expects to marry an abuser, yet unfortunately, it happens more often than we'd like to admit. Emotional and physical abuse - whether it be part of a single incident or an on-going pattern - can take a devastating toll on the victim's sense of self, sense of safety and overall wellbeing. That is why it is so important for individuals in such an unhealthy and destructive relationship to recognize the signs and get out sooner rather than later. In this blog post, I will discuss some tell-tale signs that can indicate a person has married an emotionally and physically abusive partner as well as why time is of the essence when deciding to leave such a miserable relationship. 1. Your partner constantly blames you for their unhappiness and belittles your accomplishments and ideas.  2. Your spouse is incredibly controlling, demanding to know where you are at all times, who you are with, and what you are doing. 3. They become very jealous if you show any interest in someone e...

Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal. There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the f...