Saturday

When an Abusive Man's Expectations and Yours Collide

You didn't know that an abusive man had a demanding list inside his mind on what you were supposed to be to him, how you were to behave and what you were to provide if he did A, B, and C for you.  But you, like other women of his past, learned during yet another emotional argument when his nasty attitude showed up complete with name-calling and ugly thoughts were spit out. After the disputing, you might feel those familiar feelings once again regretting ever meeting the mean-spirited man.

Repeated arrogant behaviors (i.e. claiming to be better, smarter, and having more than you) along with illogical fantasies will wreck havoc in the short and long term on the relationship and the victim's mind.

Men, who are use to getting their way whether at home or elsewhere, believe they can have it all anytime they want, and wish to be adored by almost everyone they meet.  These kind of men (usually somewhat wealthy, once quite attractive or still may be, affluent, or highly-educated) place high demands on unsuspecting women especially those who are reliant on them.

These self-absorbed men personally believe that they are owed something every time they are inconvenienced, provide assistance, or asked a favor.  "What do I get for all this trouble," the opportunist thinks.  When his personal needs are not met, the socially sweet, privately cruel man will retaliate using silent treatment to physical abuse usually when the victim is not feeling well, busy with other activities or has a lot on her mind.  When she least suspects it, she is defending herself once again from her abusive partner's hands or words.

If you are just starting out in a relationship with a demanding man, you usually can detect what the future might be like with him just by the way he does the following: subtly manipulates situations, disagrees with things you say that you know are correct, projects his personal disappointments on to you, and looks to find fault with most anything you say or do whether joking or not.

It is safe to say that ego-driven, mad men can be quite difficult to live and communicate with.  When you don't have the time, energy or patience to stroke their egos, do what they want when they want it (now not later), or act in ways that they deem are not helpful to them, they will act quite miserable, strange, or violent.  It doesn't matter if you couldn't do something for them once or many times, they will attempt to punish you for "not being there...I needed you...after all this money I spent, you could have...why would I wait for you when I know some women would be glad to have a man like me.  You just calm down...get over it...you are not that sick."

You may have had healthy expectations for the kind of relationship you wanted long ago, but when the manipulator shows up, he figures out a way to get you to trust him by telling you what you want to hear.  He controls your thoughts and behaviors toward him when you least expect it.  So you naturally follow suit with his expectations, because you don't want to disappointment him and suffer the consequences, while dismissing your own personal aspirations.  Before long, your focus is exclusively on your controlling partner, rather than on yourself and whether or not the individual is indeed right for you.

Abusive men are often overlooked early on during the dating process, because their victims are usually desperate for love, affection and attention.  They slip pass the warning signs radar with their kind conversations, good deeds, false promises, and helpful behaviors.  Their phony acts are not representative of their true personalities.  If you are lucky to speak with broken-hearted exes, disgruntled children, distant relatives, and others who have had negative exchanges with them, you will learn the truth.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of internet dating book, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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