Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Doctors, teachers, support groups, and others tend to focus on parents' impact on a child growing up who one day becomes an adult who is abusive.  Unfortunately, there are many adults who had brothers and sisters who were verbally and physically abusive to them for years.  From constant teasing to sexual abuse (when parents were in the next room or away), the poor child who was too fearful to tell while somehow reasoning it was okay, grows up with a variety of emotional issues. Most of us know it is sick to hurt a brother or sister who is screaming at the top of his or her lungs, "Stop! Stop!" or is saying nothing at all, but appears sad or miserable about what is happening.  Yet, despicable acts go on.  Some children are disciplined by parents and yet brother or sister continue to come around with yet another nasty thing to say or do to a sibling when backs are turned.  For some children, mom and dad isn't helpful.  Think of those long summer and winter breaks whe

You think a controlling partner is harmless when he or she sits back and listens to your complaints, nods and agrees with your issues, and seemingly acts supportive, right?  You believe that because he or she doesn't share your rants and negative statements about others to people outside the home that they mean you well, right?  Controlling partners will get even sooner or later based on what you have shared with them.  If he or she doesn't like a certain family member or friend or doesn't like what you say or do, the abuser will not hesitate to use what he or she knows against you to get desired results!  To an abuser his or her requests are logical, practical and in the best interest of the family, but one should know better.  He or she is typically the only one who benefits.  From the abuser driving you crazy for the things you said or did in the past by repeating them over and over again to physically threatening you or assaulting you, he or she wants to feel in co

An abuser puts on a good show in front of family and friends, "I love her...I wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for him...I want our family to be close...I don't want my babe to leave!"  But the truth is, a mean-spirited man or woman really loves no one-- not even his or her self.  He may buy nice things for himself sometimes.  She might plan a great trip and be on her best behavior for a moment.  These hateful people may even surprise relatives with a gift every now and then.  But an angry man or woman with overt or covert hate, loves no one!  Who has room to love when he or she is often angry, bitter, resentful, and feels rejected? A difficult personality is a challenge to live with and you can't help but think at times, "This person really hates me."  You take all of their burdens and place them on your shoulders rather than giving to their Creator to fix while working on you such as asking yourself, "Now why did I get myself inv

After the scratches, the choking, and the incidents with the pillow where he attempted to smother me,  I had to find that place in my mind that I had before I met him, "I'm better than this!  There is no way I would ever let a man hurt me!"  It didn't take long (but long enough--nine months) before I got the courage to start distancing myself away from that ugly man! The professionals were right, it was going to take multiple attempts to leave until I stayed away from him for good.  Even when I successfully left, I still had a yearning to want to be with that abusive man for some months afterward.  I had gotten use to the fighting, lying, cursing, sexing, and the promises that he wouldn't act up again.  If you have ever been with someone abusive, you know how it feels to want to love and be loved and you tell yourself, "It will get better, I know it."  For a little while it does, until a hit, choke, slap, or threat returns and you are back to square

Making excuses for someone cursing at you in the public, beating you for yelling, or keeping something that is yours because he or she is trying to teach you a lesson--whatever the abuser is doing to upset your world is just wrong!  Most of us understand this (those who are free from bad relationships,) but those who are still laboring to love an abusive mate, don't get the lesson until they hit rock bottom like a drunk.  He or she will have to lose everything before one can experience true, lasting freedom! There are no excuses for men or women who are out of their minds--none!  The best place for them is in a doctor's office, mental ward, jail cell, or on a deserted island.  Substance abuse will bring out the worse in anyone, and for some, they never snap back.  Crazy comes and never goes! Yet, the loving, sweet, patient, long-suffering partner, who wishes that his or her God will come and heal a mentally troubled person, will self-deceive while hoping relatives, friends

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Those around you talk about how nice and understanding your partner appears to be.  They tell you how much they like him or her.  But you know the real person.  You don't bother to correct these people who only see your partner's best side and nothing else. An abuser pretends to care about you when others are around, but when alone with him he makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and nervous.  When in public, the gentleman talks about you as if he is in love with you, but behind closed doors, you are "stupid, a cunt, idiot, dumb..."  He says how much he likes this thing and that one about you in front of others, but when alone with you, "I really don't like you...I think you are pathetic...what did I ever see in you?"  If you should allude to who your dear mother-in-law's son really, share complaints with people he knows, or express your feelings in a private counseling session with him, the abuser will explode! It is the fear of his exploding t

The "Crazy-Making" Behavior of a Narcissist Psychopath Free Forum Gaslighting -making another person believe that he or she is crazy.