Friday

When the Abused Still Loves Her Abuser

He disrespected her by having sex with yet another woman.  To add insult to injury, when he was found out, her partner gave her a verbal tongue lashing.  Once he broke her down to tears, between her sobs, she tried to tell the cheater how she felt.  He grew weary of her yelling and that is when he hit her followed by choking.  He threatened to kill her if she kept mentioning the cheating.  Less than a week later, she said she still loved him.  What!?


This is the life of an abused girlfriend, mistress or wife.  After news cameras are shut off, police are gone and her support system has left her alone in her hospital bed, life goes on and for many of these women, they are back to playing the role of victim.  The abused will tell you that, "He is sorry" that "You don't understand, he loves me!"  Those on the outside looking in will never understand unless they "have been there and done that."  How can someone still love a person who wanted him or her dead?


Forgiveness comes easy to the person that hasn't allowed bitterness to take root in his or her heart.  Take this concept and combine it with fear, worry, and other negative emotions and the abused leaves his or herself with no choice but to stay in the entangled web of on again, off again love.


An abused woman knows if she becomes angry with her mate to the point of no return, she will indeed lose her mind!  Somewhere within, she convinces herself she can still love him even when she should hate him and remain in that space.  But her anger with him comes and goes and when concerned relatives and friends check in with her, she is back to being "Okay...We are working things out...Don't worry about me...I still love him."  It is a process for her to see that the anger is actually a healthy way to help her get over her abuser, which for some women, they simply aren't ready to do no matter what their mean men have done to them.


The victim's heart is compassionate, she keeps hoping her partner will get some help and that things will get better.  She sincerely wants to be a part of her abuser's journey toward healing.  The victim sincerely believes if she doesn't stand by her man, then she is a failure.  She doesn't want to feel any guilt for leaving him when he is down.  If others have been unsupportive about the relationship, she believes she must prove the naysayers wrong.   But the truth is, that an abusive man will never feel the need to get any help when people around him are making excuses for him and accepting his apologies.  For he has learned that a simple apology and a smile will get him out of almost anything.  His conscience whispers, "Lay it on thick, buy her a ring, propose to her, tell her that you love her, cry, beg, plead, help her family...do whatever you can so that you don't lose her or your freedom."  He will use these tactics and more over and over again as long as they work.  Sooner or later, he will come to the realization that he too is sick.


Sometimes the only way the abused or abuser can see that he or she is mentally ill is when something horrific happens!  If the abused is honest with her feelings, she will later learn that what she thought was love for her abuser was really pity.   Most likely during the early part of the courtship, the na├»ve woman felt sorry for her controlling man and connected with his sad childhood stories.  Her heart opens up and before long she thinks, "What can I do to help this poor man?"  She experiences a myriad of emotions when in the man's presence such as: a pounding heart, fluttering stomach, pity, a need to help him with any and everything, and of course love.  But sometimes pity overrides love.  Pity has a way of distracting us from the wrong within us.  If we don't love anything about ourselves, we have a way of taking a love we should have and redirecting it on people who are undeserving.  Sometimes we misconstrue love for pity.


The abused doesn't love herself much, because if she did, she wouldn't allow someone to repeatedly emotionally and physically wound her.  So when you hear a victim say, "I still love him," know that her mind and spirit are deeply wounded as a result of the abuse she has incurred.  What she is really saying is, "I still pity him."  Consider this, if she feels this way, if she does get away from him, she will most likely return back into his arms even at the risk of her life and possibly children's lives.


What family, friends and the police can do is talk to her, show the poor woman some examples of what healthy love is, share photos of what unhealthy so-called love looks like,  and do the best they can to be "personal psychics" for her predicting what her bleak future might look like if she keeps returning to her abuser.


Nicholl wrote Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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