Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

If you want respect, you have to earn it, so the old adage goes.  So here you are in a new dating relationship.  You find that at times your date can be really disrespectful to others.  It is only a matter of time that he is going to be angry with you.  If you set him or her straight early, you will be showing him or her that if this person really wants to be with you, he or she can't curse you.  There are other ways to address a matter besides name-calling, insulting, or jumping in someone's face.  But where many new couples make their mistake is they allow their partners to say disrespectful things to them early on. At first a date seems to be saying some harmless things and may even be joking.  But then in time, the words become more threatening and at times he or she looks like their losing it.  He calls her a few chose names and then she follows up with a few creative curse words.  Before long, the couple is having a contest called,...

When a person who has witnessed his or her own parents abuse one another as well as others, they learn a thing or two about how to control people.  You may be in a relationship with someone who likes to nit-pick, talk about you to others, and find these little, as well as big, ways to pay you back when he or she doesn't like what you are doing in the relationship. You aren't crazy to think that the man or woman you are living with has it in for you.  You feel a sinking feeling in your stomach when he or she comes around.  You feel like if you should  say something about your partner's actions or in-actions in the relationship or do something wrong, he or she will try to get even and make you feel as if you are the problem or crazy one.  Don't underestimate these people who have grew up with abusers--they are sensitive types always seeing what is wrong with everyone else, but themselves. For example, let's say your mate is miserable about one issue or an...

Your mind has told you to leave your abusive situation.  People around you keep reminding you of what you said about leaving your abusive partner, but when do you plan to do it?  The more you think about breaking it off, the more reasons you will find to stay with him or her.  "She's good with the kids...he makes good money...what will the children think?"  Concern yourself with those things after you leave.  This is the weekend for some of you that will set you on that path toward freedom! You have been playing with the idea of leaving for years, but now is the time!  The extra money will be there for some of you, because you filed your income tax return early.  Don't let him, the children or relatives plan your money for you!  Take it and put it on a new place to stay.  Put some aside to finance your move.  Forget what you promised him or her you would do with the money, get away!  Somebody out there reading this, your life...

One day while surfing the web, I came across a forum where people were talking about, what was one thing they didn't miss about being in a relationship anymore?  I was expecting to read comments like, "I don't have to listen to his snoring...don't have to visit her relatives anymore..." you know simple things like that.  However, I read things like, "I don't have to take her physical and mental abuse...The beatings."  What!?  I thought, some people in this forum are fresh out of relationships that had been causing them so much mental and physical suffering.  Just think, you are grateful to be out of a relationship because you don't have to worry over getting hit on the head, shoved, spit on, kicked, or cursed out in front of people.  But I also thought, "How much damage have these people suffered and will they be abusing the next person they get involved with?  Have they sought any help?" Some of you who are in relationships who have ...

You think there is no harm being done in a relationship when you deliberately make up in your mind you don't want to have any intimacy with your partner?  Maybe he or she made you angry days even weeks ago, but if you keep playing with fire, you will get burned.  However, what if you are the one who isn't playing games with sex.  You actually enjoy it, but want more.  Maybe your partner is the one using sex to control you.  If so, this is an abusive tactic that must be stopped. The more society preaches sex the more society is lacking sex.  The human spirit loses interest in anything that is constantly being preached, taught, marketed, sold, or simply discussed.  For those powers that be, whether in your home or out of it, they are glad one is tired of hearing and seeing sexual symbols, because if you are, you won't be having sex and if you aren't having sex you aren't making any babies or more of them. You know a relationship is headed for ru...

Every time you want to do something different with your life, he has a comment that keeps you from doing what you really want to do.  You take two steps forward, he finds a way to make you take two steps back.  He uses "lack of money for the household" or "not enough time" as excuses to keep you where you are--with him.  He frequently tells you of his so-called work, mental and spiritual challenges to keep you feeling sorry for him. From the looks of things, he seems to be doing well enough financially that he could actually live without you. You thought that living together would be a benefit to the both of you, but it seems he is the only one who is getting the most benefit out of it.  When you protest about your observations, he finds a way to put you back in your place.  When you cry, he gets you a tissue.  When you go to bed early, he taps you on the shoulder for some sex.  You question, "What have I got myself into?"  Good, sleeping beauty...

What are your boundaries when it comes to relating to your partner?  What will you believe and what won't you?  Questions like this and others are what I ask to those women (and men)  who keep accepting a story from a partner that just doesn't make any sense.  You may be the one in the group who keeps experiencing head and/or stomach upset, because a partner repeatedly tells you one thing and does another.  Then when this partner is confronted with yet another lie, he or she tries to convince you that "you are mistaken" or "don't know what you are talking about." Can I just say that this kind of relationship is mentally draining and will one day lead to someone physically abusing someone.  No one on the face of this earth who has even a little bit of dignity is going to keep on listening to a liar.  He or she will find a way to either distance his or herself from the liar or worse clobber him or her with their fists. The frustration, tears, anger ...