Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Hello, Thank you so much for stopping by this blog and clicking on the various categories. Back in 2007, I published Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate after over ten years of being out of my abusive relationship. The writings were recorded while laboring to love my abuser. What finally broke us up was the police and the court system. I hope the same thing will NEVER happen to those of you currently in abusive relationships, but if it does, it is the best thing for you if you don't have a plan of escape. The day the officers came, they saved my life! Being in an abusive relationship is like being addicted to a drug--it's difficult to stop being with an abuser without intervention. Feel free to follow me @nichollmcguire. I don't tweet about all things abusive, but I do provide useful information about a little bit of everything. So follow me today! Thanks for your support! Also, you can follow me at @helpforpeople. Nicholl McGuire Blogger

You may be busy with work, meeting your mate's needs, children, and other activities. Every time you have a moment of peace and quiet, an inner voice on the inside says, "You need to rid yourself of this bad relationship." But you don't listen. You think that things will get better. Maybe they have for a day or two maybe even a week or a month, but then you find yourself arguing yet again. Before long, you are hitting or being hit by the person you say you love. There is something wrong, very wrong. Make up in your mind to find peace. Prepare a plan that will release you from unnecessary burdens. Nicholl McGuire Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

It was during my time working in England a few years ago when I first wondered about the jealous-man-syndrome. On the way to my apartment at the end of each day, the sight of men sitting patiently in their cars waiting to pick up their wives or girlfriends at work impressed me. Not until one day when a woman friend said that her man always insisted on picking her up after work on the dot each day. If she needed to go for a drink or anywhere else for that matter, she had to tell him in advance. I realized in retrospect that what I was impressed about as men who were taking good care of their ladies were really not there in the parking space for the best of purposes. It is interesting to note that the biggest problems in the dating scene are the controlling and jealous men who are anxious to seek someone to love and relate with. Yet when they have her, they do subtle things to subject her to a sense of reliance on him, hiding behind the mask of "loving her and want...

How to Know Your Mate is Abusive This is the audio version of my article on this site "How to Know Your Mate is Abusive" and is also an excerpt from my book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by Nicholl McGuire. Read More

Do you know the basic steps on how to avoid dating violence? Are you aware of how dating nightmares such as physical and emotional abuse can affect your self-esteem? How do you protect yourself from being on the receiving end of abuse in dating? Dating can be fun but it could make a turn for the worse if you end up with an abusive partner. Here are a few insights on how to avoid dating violence. The first step on how to avoid dating violence is to avoid guys who drink a lot or those who are into drugs. Alcohol and drugs can affect any person's disposition, making him more irritable and more prone to inflicting harm on other people. In order to avoid dating violence, you have to stay away from men who have a higher tendency of being violent when provoked. Overly jealous guys are also to be avoided. It's only natural for a guy to be jealous of his girlfriend's attention to other men. However, when the jealousy turns into possessiveness, it can get really dange...

When most people think of abuse in a marriage, they naturally figure that the man is beating the woman (in some cases, the woman actually beats the man). Abuse does not always involve violence though. The greatest form of abuse that is experienced in a troubled marriage is verbal abuse. What exactly is verbal abuse? It is hostile language that is specifically meant to demean and hurt the listener. Many, including the courts, take the side that it is harmless, but that's completely false. It can be just as dangerous as someone waving a knife in your face. This is because it is often a precursor to physical violence. Generally, someone doesn't just walk up to another person and start punching them for no reason. Everything begins with words. Many people know there is no law against verbal abuse in the United States so it probably isn't considered a real problem. These people are wrong. Intense verbal abuse can cause a victim to have feelings of low self wo...

This is some creepy deal. He says he loves you, yet he hits you and then you don't know what to make of it because you are head over heels in love with him. While some say 'If he hits you once, he will most definitely hit you again', others choose 'Not all physical altercation between lovers continues to re-occur'. Now you are stuck in the middle, having to decide. Its two ways actually, it's either, you walk away and never get to realize if the love would have grown better and he never would have hit you again, or you decide to stay in the relationship and meet your untimely death. Yeah! Real scary. I happened to be in an abusive relationship once. And when I got out, I knew better than to ever think of going back. I guess I used to see the signs, but I just decided not to dwell on them. The fact that he was overtly jealous didn't give me cause for concern because I took it that he loved me so much, hence the high level of jealousy and poss...

After an abusive situation, sometimes people find that it is very hard to trust anyone including relatives and dear friends. Nicholl McGuire, Author of Laboring to Love Myself , shares her experience. Read more here: Laboring to Love People: Excerpt from Laboring to Love Myself

Violent and abusive relationships can happen in any age group; however, teens face a unique set of challenges. Young teens may not know who to turn to get help or may think their mate’s jealousy and possessiveness are just more signs of “true love.” Teenage dating is not always an innocent phase of life just before adulthood. It can even turn deadly. Many times violence is after a break up in a relationship that was not previously violent. It is estimated that more 10 percent of teens nationwide are in a dating violence situation. What should a teen do if he or she feels they are in an abusive relationship or is thinking of leaving a violent mate? You should seek help from a trusted adult or a domestic-violence group. Each case is different. In some cases you may need to get an order of protection. In other cases it may be enough to just break up the relationship. Because of a teen’s age and inexperience it may be harder than adults to recognize the warning signs of abuse...

Prescription drugs are the second most commonly used drugs in America, just behind marijuana, yet they are far more dangerous and highly addictive. People believe they are safe because they are legal with a prescription, but they do not realize that they are putting themselves in severe physical and psychological danger by taking prescription drugs. Narcotics are the most commonly abused prescription drugs and include painkillers like Vicodin, Oxycontin, Darvocet, Percocet, and Hydrocodone. They are prescribed to treat moderate to severe pain for post-op treatment, illness, and injuries. But the problem is, these drugs were designed to relieve pain temporarily. Once the painkiller effects wear off, a person will need to take another dose to feel relief, and then another, and then another. Pretty soon, the prescription or prescriptions run out, but there is still pain - either physical or emotional. The person begins to experience withdrawal symptoms, which can cause ev...

Dating someone who is violent? You aren't alone. Vision - The GLOBAL Good Foundation

Domestic abuse can be very damaging to families both physically and emotionally. These crimes are taken very seriously by the court systems. There are many different types of household abuse, each of which carries different legal consequences. Understanding some of the common legal penalties for domestic violence can help anyone struggling with a domestic abuse situation. Physical violence is usually what people think of regarding household abuse. This can include common forms of abuse like punching, hitting, pushing, and throwing things. However, there are also less common forms of physical abuse which include things like false confinement or imprisonment or denying necessary medical treatment. This type of household violence is usually prosecuted according to the level of assault that was committed. Emotional and verbal abuse, though it doesn't cause bodily injury, is just as serious as physical harm. Those who have been emotionally damaged by a spouse or other m...

There are those people who live in a fantasy world. They want everything to be right in a superficial world they have created for self. If anything is out of place, then someone has to pay. For instance, maybe he or she has had a dream since childhood that is now unreasonable with family and children, but it doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks. Maybe they have suggested you change your hair, body, or something else about your appearance because it doesn't fit into their dream of what beauty is suppose to look like. This person may be a mother or father and resent the fact that the children are "messing up their world." You walk on egg shells with these type of people. Sometimes you don't know whether you are in or out of the relationship from one day to the next. These narcissistic types are usually male and they have a long list (like some women) on what they expect their partner to do for them in a relationship meanwhile giving very little in re...

Codependents and Adult Children of Alcoholics are prone to see the world and events in black and white. It is one way to make sense out of what really makes no sense at all. If we put a label that clearly defines something we are more equipped to deal with it. Or so we believe. When it comes to relationships, and in particular, relationships in our family or with a spouse, that becomes a big problem as a person starts to come out of the denial that there really were some problems in their family. Now that they see the dysfunction and how bad that was - it is hard to see anything "good" in the dysfunctional relationship. My family life had love and affection. For years that is how I viewed my family. That is the only perspective I allowed myself to experience. However, it also had chronic dysfunctional problems that colored how I viewed life, myself, God, and others. It took me decades and a lot of recovery work to begin to understand that. I have detailed some of these iss...

On behalf of those of us who have experienced this reality - and we are many - it is my objective to enlighten others who find themselves in similar circumstances -- to save others from unnecessary pain and break the cycle of abuse among us for the benefit of today's families and future generations. If someone who reads this sees himself or herself and demands better, then I will consider my undertaking as having had significant value. Perhaps like you, I never dreamed she would be "one of them," could never have contemplated the possibility that abuse would touch our family or imagined that my children and I would, for a time, live in fear, be forced to leave our home. On the other side of insanity; however, the day came when we found freedom and a fresh start to begin restoring a measure of what was taken from us, and what I, through my enabling behaviors, gave away. As a young woman, I had seen "Sleeping With the Enemy" and read my share of arti...

Today, domestic violence is becoming a well-known problem, but few people realize that women in romantic relationships aren't the only victims. Domestic violence is defined as any violence that occurs in a household, whether between close family relationships or even among distant relatives who happen to be living under the same roof. The most widely publicized forms of domestic violence include that between the husband or father as abuser and girlfriends, wives, and children as victims, although it can actually occur between any family members. Domestic abuse may occur in a wide variety of situations. It may include not only physical abuse, but also sexual abuse, in which the abuser uses force to compel the victim to participate in a sexual act. This can occur even if the victim and the abuser are married or in a romantic relationship. Although identification of physical or sexual domestic abuse is not difficult to uncover by those closest to the victims, it is of...

Although it may come as a surprise, the fact is controlling relationships are far more common than most people realize. Controlling relationships are mostly a by-product of people who have had the unfortunate experience of being reared in homes that were highly unstable and/or one or both of the parents was quite controlling. Like actors in a play, in most controlling relationships there are two roles being played out, the controller and the controlled. The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the "out of control" nature of the environment they grew up in. Internal fears of life spiraling out of control plague people with regular control problems. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it's no longer relevant. The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or s...

Days He abides by the man's rule. Evenings he seeks to regain his authority. She greets him. The woman he shaped, he molded, he scolded. His head slowly bends down and she waits for the king to respond, but he is quiet. She takes her cue and shies away his meal is cooked his dishes are washed his clothes are clean and put away his bills are paid his castle is kept like her. College-educated, employed and beautiful, but her bed has been made. Innocence given away to him for keeps -- it wasn't his sweet little pussy cat who purred at each and every contact; instead it was her self-esteem self-pride, self-love that had been captured. Everything about her was wrong and he reminded her that she had to choose for he knew what was best -- he was wiser. The parties, the boys, the toys they had to stop. He stressed they weren't good for someone so special. And it wasn't for long before a slap would follow a sorry, a punch would follow a beg, between thrown clothes and luggage be...

In the USA, over 900,000 children are victims of abuse & neglect every year. Child abuse is so common, yet shocking . Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, sexual, or neglect, the scars can be deep and long-lasting, often leading to future child abuse. Learning the signs and symptoms of child abuse can help break the cycle, finding out where to get help for the children and their caregivers. Why would someone abuse an innocent child? Child abuse happens in all social groups and all ethnicities. Sadly, the abuse is overwhelmingly caused by those who are supposed to be protecting the child- the parents. There are many forms of abuse, but the result is the same- serious physical or emotional harm. Physical or sexual abuse may be the most striking types of abuse, since they often unfortunately leave physical evidence behind. However, emotional abuse and neglect are serious types of child abuse that are often more subtle and difficult to spot. Child neglect is the most common type o...

I give you no ammunition to use against me! Nothing to allow you to destroy my heart! No stray bullets to attempt to blow my mind! No gunpowder to leave on my soul! You are hollow! Like the barrel of your gun, you pull your trigger and then your done! You are an assassin and I'm the president proudly serving your country. Nicholl McGuire Domestic violence survivor and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://nichollmcguire.blogspot.com

A lot of the time when we think of domestic violence our attention is focused on just the two parties that are fighting, the abuser and the victim. We rarely think of the children in the home that are watching. Yet each year an estimated 3.3 million children witness domestic violence. Some of these children are caught in the crossfire and sustain physical injuries. Even those children who do not experience abuse themselves are left just as traumatized as those who suffer direct abuse. This is part of my own story about the effect of domestic violence on children. I learn early on to recognize the signs when the fight would escalate into violence. I knew that the safest place for me was to hide in a corner out of the way. I often covered by ears to try and block out the screams. It did not help for the screams still penetrated the gaps in my little fingers. I sat their in silence and hopelessness. I knew I could not do anything to stop it yet I felt guilty. Somehow I just knew the fight...

What lures a woman to go to the other side of the tunnel -- alone. In the dark amongst the shadows and screeching screams from afar. What is it that her soul searches for? Is curiosity that strong to commit suicide... Is man really worth it? Nicholl McGuire http://nichollmcguire.blogspot.com

Married women on their way out of an abusive relationship are frequently found navigating the system en route to safety. But is their path safe? Not necessarily so. We frequently see women struggling in relation to their legal counsel just as they struggled in their battering relationship. And they feel worn down, confused, taken advantage of... What often happens is these women engage in their relationship with their legal representation just as they engaged in relation to the “white knight” from whom they are seeking refuge. They look to this person as their savior, leaping in with blind faith. When told exactly what they want to hear, they saddle up and go for the ride. Sadly for some, years go by, and hundreds of thousands of dollars later, they ask, WHY? Family Violence and Legal Domestic Abuse My sense is the dynamics are exactly the same. Domestic abuse is about control and so is the legal abuse syndrome. And the survivor in both of these situations engages and partic...

If there ever was any doubt in your mind where adult domestic violence has its roots-put your inquisitive mind at rest. It starts with our kids!! In a recent study partnered by Teenage Research Unlimited and the Liz Claiborne Corporation, teens 13-18 were surveyed on the frequency of dating violence in their lives. The study revealed some shocking statistics and facts about the teen dating scene. Among many conclusions are that a significant percentage of teens not only are victims of dating abuse but also they accept it as normal and that they feel pressured to have and keep relationships particularly if it is a "serious" one. Teens in these serious relationships report by nearly a 2 to 1 margin more abuse, controlling and even violent behavior compared to other teens. The study also showed that: - 20% in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed - 30% report being worried about their physical safety - 64% report controlling behavior - 55% comp...

I am a man of 54 years now. But despite seeing so many things in my life and experiencing all the emotions, I feel hurt when I am verbally abused. It is not that verbal abuse does not hurt. Some people think that verbal abuse can be easily forgotten and one may go forward. Yes, one goes forward but the scars of the wound inflicted by the verbal abuse go along with many of us. How about a child? A child can be verbally abused in many ways. Children abusing each other with name calling etc. are common. But worse is verbal abuse by elders. Parents, relatives and teachers form part of this group in a child's life. Many parents have set ideas about how a child should behave. If the child does not behave that away, the parents do not explain them the right way but make fun of them verbally. If such fun is made in presence of others the child's psyche is hurt. The hurt may look very innocent but that makes a child feel insecure about themselves. The children lose faith in their own ab...

You're Crazy!" This statement is one that is commonly made by an emotional abuser. Emotional abuse can also be referred to as psychological or verbal abuse. The effects of emotional abuse are long term and can take a long time to heal. My biggest concern with this sort of abuse is that a lot of women do not recognize it and simply think that their partner just does not treat them very good! This is such a misunderstanding that worries me. So what is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse can be defined as one partner insulting, yelling, putting down, humiliating, threatening and harming pets or damaging property. All of these are inclusive to this type of abuse and are very harming to the one on the receiving end. The effects of verbal abuse can be as severe as depression, post traumatic stress disorder, self-harm, actually feeling crazy and mental illness. There are so many other effects to which consist of anxiety, loss of energy, self blame, low self-esteem and sleeping problems....

7 Things to Think About for Women in Abusive Relationships When you don't know whether the time is right to leave him, and you just can't figure out why you allow such negative things to happen to you, consider these seven statements that just may change your life. Read More