Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

The abuser uses his girlfriend's money to buy gas for the car that he drives to meet someone else.  The victim suspects that there is something very wrong in the relationship, yet she says nothing.  She is fearful that if she should approach him with anything that might even look a little bit like she might be starting an argument, he might flip out. Cheaters don't believe that what they do is wrong.   They justify their cheating ways by saying, "I am just pleasing myself... besides my girlfriend doesn't care about me...She doesn't appreciate me."  Why would a victim care about a cheating man who she is fearful might hurt her?  Abusers don't realize they are to blame when it comes to the brokenness of their victims.  Why doesn't she talk to her man anymore?  Why doesn't she act comfortable around him?  Why doesn't she bother to have sex with him?  These questions and more arise when one feels hurt, abused, and used.  Some women bounce back i

How many times have we heard abused women and men say that the relationship with their abusers started out nice?  The individual was "sweet, kind, funny, unique..." but what they overlooked in the conversation as they got to know one another was "my dad abused me...my mother repeatedly hurt me...I was sexually abused...I was beaten for nothing..."  How many relationships had the abuser been in where he/she kicked, slapped, choked, pushed, or did something else violent prior to meeting the unsuspecting victim?  One might never know, but the key point in the conversation with a potential date a person should be paying attention to is, "I had been abused..."  Many victims of abuse learn bad habits, reactions, and other negative things from being with abusers.  They can become increasingly violent, jealous, angry, and emotional in the best of relationships because of trigger statements, familiar behaviors and reactions from a partner, and other things tha

Shepherd's Door Domestic Violence Resource Center hosted their 9th Annual Tea and Brunch Fundraiser on Saturday, July 19, 2014 at the beautiful Langham Huntington Hotel and Spa located in Pasadena CA.  The founder of the center, Linda Offray , hosted the event and included special guests like Anchorwoman Denise Dador, ABC7, U.S. Congresswoman, Judy Chu, Saxophonist Varetta Hidelberg, Comedian Sunda Croonquist, and representatives from the Kaiser Foundation.  Blogger of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Nicholl McGuire, was in attendance.  To learn more about future events and services offered, click here: Shepherd's Door Denise Dador, Linda Offray and Nicholl McGuire Sunda Croonquist , Judy Chu , Linda Offray , and Denise Dador .

How many times will a victim of abuse make excuses, ignore, lie, or cover up what his or her partner has become?  What will it take for the victim to leave? The timing is never right when it comes to leaving an abuser especially when the victim refuses to see the destruction and manipulation in what he or she still feels is a healthy, normal relationship.  The delusional one might want to re-educate his or herself on what a non-abusive relationship looks like where cursing, fighting, silent treatment, and acting jealous and controlling is non-existent.  There are such relationships, believe it or not!  People who assume it is always the other person's fault tend not to see what they need to do to end the blame game.  They live their lives blaming others for everything, but rarely if ever, themselves.  These are definitely the wrong people to talk to when it comes to your personal challenges.  After one has been with an abuser for so long, the lines of right and wrong get twis

When you first met him, what was it like?  You listened to what he said.  You took his words as truth.  You reasoned away doubt.  You believed his lies.  Now look at you.  Controlled, manipulated, and emotionally abused by words said as recent as yesterday.  When people tell you that your partner doesn't deserve you, he is no good, or other choice words, you agree with them, yet you stay. Staying with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive is more challenging than leaving.  Once you are packed up and out the door, your life awaits you.  However, when you stay, you don't see anything but what he wants, where he wants to go, how he feels, and so on; therefore, your life is put on hold.  You find yourself working each day to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't love or respect you nearly as much as you love him.  How much more do you have to take before you tell yourself, "I will not work to keep my love alive for him."  When do you walk away