Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

So the abuser didn't hit, slap, kick, push, or spit on the victim in awhile, but one's refrain from physical abuse does nothing for the victim's negative emotions that linger long after the abusive episodes have subsided.  When the next explosive argument and violence shows up, it most likely will produce more of the same feelings: isolation, fear, worry, insecurity, anger, and jealousy in the victim.  There is no quality communication, genuine love, compassion, or understanding in relationships like this! Trapped When a victim feels trapped it is similar to that of a mouse caught in a trap.  No matter what one's common sense tells him or her about getting away, the fight within feels useless after awhile and so one gives up!  In the victim's mind, "You caught me. I accept my fate."  So all attempts to get free whether he or she tries to do it or someone offers to help are ignored.  There is more reasoning as to why "I can't, I won't, I couldn

They can do no wrong, the children of two dysfunctional parents, they are esteemed by their abusive fathers far more than their mothers who gave birth to them.  Why?  Simply put, most abusers revel in being able to control children--they are seen as extensions of themselves and tools to be used. The victim reaches a boiling point in the relationship that she can't take the emotional and physical control any longer, the abuser knows this, so dad is going for the children.  They will listen and obey or else.    Strange as it may seem, for many abusers it is okay for them to abuse both mothers and children, but someone else dare correct their children including their own mother, they better look out!  For example, if the mothers were to discipline their offspring such as: take their toys for misbehaving, yell about poor grades, or remove gaming devices for not doing chores once again, they are made out to be the bad guy.  Dad may not go all in about correcting his children, but will l

We have seen the movies, listened to talk show hosts, heard stories about relatives, friends and co-workers, and some of us were victims ourselves, domestic abuse hasn't gone anywhere.  No matter how much a civic group preaches about "no more abuse,"  there will always be someone somewhere who feels that it is his or her right to abuse over and over again! What we already know about domestic abuse is that it is a pattern and/or cycle of controlling behavior and this typically occurs with people who live together or have lived together.  The behaviors can be life threatening and lead to a premature death for victims.  Domestic abuse spreads throughout generations and it doesn't matter your background, ethnicity, faith, gender, sexuality, social class, etc.  However, what we need to know is that in times of crisis (such as what we are still in), the abuser is more agitated, angry, difficult to talk to, and if he or she has lost employment, the constant worry about mone

Yelling, threatening, punishing...this was not what I signed up for.  What kind of relationship was this?  In the 1990s, I was still discovering unique traits about myself before I ended up in a violent relationship. At times, I wasn't easily understood by family and friends.  Being in an intimate relationship was really not ideal for me at the time.  It was enough trying to figure out my personal interests outside of college and where I might end up being employed later.  I was quite young, a mere 20 years old and not a virgin.  Yet, I still dabbed acne cream on random pimples that would sprout up whenever my menstrual cycle would rear its ugly head. I was still fitting into clothing from the ninth grade and still standing at the bus stop sucking on a lollipop in the words of rapper L.L. Cool J.  I was still cute in the face while my body was maturing in clothing that showed my best features.  The socially sweet, privately cruel abusive man took notice one day as I hurried

Victims are trapped with their abusers. The coronavirus not only disrupted lifestyles, jobs, schools, and more, but also the will for many victims to leave their abusers.  When a man, woman, or child is relying on someone for food, shelter, and money, they are less likely to leave if they feel like there is no one or group that can help outside of their abuser. Cities like Chicago, Kansas City, Los Angeles, Memphis, and New Orleans all experienced an increase in domestic violence cases while other violent crimes decreased.  The reasons for this include severe poverty and stress.  An abuser or victim who loses his or her job is not going to be a pleasant person to be around.  The daily worry of not having enough to eat, drink, or money will send an unstable person over the edge coupled with crying and/or fighting children.  Anyone within striking distance will suffer at the hands of an abuser! When victims want desperately to return to workplaces by any means necessary, there is

Just because he doesn't curse and act threatening like he did when he was younger, doesn't mean he has changed.  Just because she doesn't holler and throw things like she did about 20 plus years back, doesn't mean she is sweet now.  The aging emotionally and physically abusive man or woman is simply tired of fighting.  They don't have the energy like they once did to kick, shove, punch, or chase their victims around the house.  You know they haven't changed when... 1)  They still call you or someone else hurtful names while blaming and shaming. 2)  They threaten to hurt you even though they haven't bothered to get up out the chair. 3)  They still use power and control tactics to get their way--they might use their bodily aches and pains to win sympathy. 4)  They still lie or cover up their misdeeds especially past ones. 5)  They still don't apologize. 6)  They still avoid getting any help for their personality disorders or mental disorders. 7)  T