Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

She hopes to be in her abuser’s good graces.   What story can she share that will make her man smile?   What exciting event has occurred that will make him take interest?   Who might she talk about that will make him be attentive to her?   A victim who is hoping that her man might take her seriously and show interest in her once again is desperate. Needy for his affection, she talks incessantly about a celebrity he adores.   Jealous of the attention he gives his or their children, she shares far more information than necessary about them.   Worried that she isn’t doing a good enough job maintaining household responsibilities, she is over-the-top with keeping the house clean and organized.   Anxious about seeing his family and friends, she spends far too much money on food and decorations to impress them.   There is no stone left unturned with a victim who is hell-bent on winning her controlling husband or cheating boyfriend over.   She is looking to befriend his favorites, buyin

African American View on You - Black Love, Life and Spirituality: Feeling Pressured to Buy for Family, See Family, a... : Be free today!  No drama!  No attitude toward children who resist going over relatives' homes for the holidays!  See the writing on ...

In the beginning of the relationship, the man was quite engaged with his new partner.   Asking her about her day, sharing entertaining information about his self, and communicating future plans.   However, about four or six months later, he became withdrawn.   He didn’t offer any information without being asked and even then, he seemed visibly irritated when his lover questioned him about anything.   The woman became increasingly frustrated and tried doing more to get him to talk such as:   perform acts of service, buy gifts, shower with kind words, etc., but to no avail, the man became more closed off about himself with each passing day.   This is the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship, a partner is deliberately withholding emotion, conversation and any other response that helps build a stable intimate relationship.   In time, there is no open or honest communication coming from the abusive one.   Questions are answered with yes, no or silence.   Most of the time with

Although I didn't have any new visible scars after I left my abusive relationship back in 1996, I did have plenty of wounds on my heart and my mind that didn't start to heal until I recognized the truth about myself and the man I thought would one day be my husband. I realized that I had a history of connecting with wounded souls on an intimate level even when I really didn't like my dates that much from the start.  How and why did that happen?  It may have started back during my teens when I thought that appeasing a hurting man or woman by giving into their requests was the way to go based on the dysfunctional programming that I watched on and off the television screen.  I saw my relatives do just that when I was a child--give in.  Time and time again they would act like they didn't want to help a manipulator, player, pimp, or hustler, but their mouths would say, "Yes, but only this time."  Codependency was something I was all too familiar with since as a c

The sexual encounters filled with psychological manipulation, pain, and control might look glamorous in movies, fun for some, and overall just cool to fantasize about.  However, for abusive men and women, they often take things too far!  I revisited that time in my life where I was in college and enjoyed meeting new people.  I recalled meeting the older gentleman with an articulate speaking voice and appeared to be quite kind.  He was handsome but deadly.  The "nice" man had a dark side.  The more time I spent with him, the more he lured my mind then my body and months later my spirit.  He had broken me.  His sexual fantasies intensified and in some twisted way, I remember caught up in a roller coaster ride of break up to make up until he proposed on Valentine's Day. His web of destruction was alluring, not demented or crazy.  Things didn't get strange until his requests for me to do more and more for him began to take their toll.  One request was after a heavy mak