Saturday

Don't Make Excuses for the Violent Partner - On Hitting in Your Relationship

He was so angry that he slapped his girlfriend across the face because this corporate CEO wanted to pay his lover back for her smart mouth. 

She couldn't believe how insensitive her boyfriend was to her, so the stay-at-home mom bawled up her fist and punched him in the chest. 

And so life goes on, or does it?

People hit each other everyday somewhere in the world and when it happens the one being hit experiences rage, shock, fear, and thoughts of revenge.  It's as if the world has frozen in time when it happens to you.  "What the...just happened?  Who do you think you are?  Have you lost your mind?"  Most likely, the one doing the hitting did temporarily go insane, because no person with good sense would dare hit another, but one who is half nuts will and one who is defending his or herself will "go off" or mentally lose it as well.

All logic goes out of one's head who is simply fed up with giving an emotional partner pass after pass on his or her violent temperment.  From throwing things to throwing people, the angry man or woman will cause others to fear him or her.  The longer you stay around people like this, the more you will want to harm them for acting so evilly. 

Sooner or later an abusive person will be paid back for all of the drama he or she has caused the victim or victims whether payback is fair or not.  What goes around really does come back around, but a victim doesn't and shouldn't want to be around when it happens, because there is a good chance that he or she might catch some of the hell during the avenging process. 

The police are available to answer a call for help, but if the victim can't get to the phone while it's ongoing, he or she most likely will fight back.  However, the abused can save his or herself a lot of future drama such as: being arrested, going to court, doing time in jail, etc. if he or she would just leave--walk out the door before things get any worse such as one's freedom being lost. 

Abusers always give off signs that they are ready to act violently over something said or done that offended them.  The cursing, threats, silent treatment, disrespect, and manipulative tactics are often done long before someone is smacking his or her partner.  When you see the signs that he or she is once again ready to start some drama over what you said or did, it would be best to start making plans to leave the relationship once and for all.

As long as a victim makes excuses for the hitting by saying things like, "I shouldn't have said that...I really need to control my temper...I deserved that..." you are excusing the hitting.  You are telling your abuser, "Yes, I'm bad, I need to be put in my place...I should be hit, I am worthless--a terrible partner."  Abusers who are already miserable love to systematically make you feel like them.  Many individuals and families are so impacted by negative people that they don't even see the wrong in the violence anymore.  Oftentimes victims become just as violent, if not more, as a result of being with someone abusive.

When the voices in your head start making excuses as to why you should stay with a violent partner while telling you how bad you are, don't listen!  Tell those voices to "Shut up! You have caused me enough grief!  I will be a better person without him/her!"  Then make your plans to leave the relationship. 

Check out other entries on this blog about breaking up safely.

Nicholl McGuire, author of Laboring to Love Myself and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

 

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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