Cheating and Money: He Might Kill Me If I...

The abuser uses his girlfriend's money to buy gas for the car that he drives to meet someone else.  The victim suspects that there is something very wrong in the relationship, yet she says nothing.  She is fearful that if she should approach him with anything that might even look a little bit like she might be starting an argument, he might flip out.

Cheaters don't believe that what they do is wrong.  They justify their cheating ways by saying, "I am just pleasing myself... besides my girlfriend doesn't care about me...She doesn't appreciate me."  Why would a victim care about a cheating man who she is fearful might hurt her?  Abusers don't realize they are to blame when it comes to the brokenness of their victims.  Why doesn't she talk to her man anymore?  Why doesn't she act comfortable around him?  Why doesn't she bother to have sex with him?  These questions and more arise when one feels hurt, abused, and used.  Some women bounce back into the arms of another while others are forever ruined--jumping from one relationship to the next in the hopes that, "This time it will be different."

Sometimes the cheater/abuser has girlfriends that are just as crazy as he.  His victim doesn't want to cause too much of a stink about what she knows because she doesn't want the drama coming to her house, stalking her, or damaging her property.  So she goes along with her abuser's lies for a time.  She tells herself, "I am just over-reacting, he might really be good this time..."  If  he is behaving nicely and honestly, for how long this time?  Maybe until the victim's menstrual cycle starts back up again.  Maybe until she stops giving him money.  Maybe until she has the nerve to approach him.  It is then that the cheating might start back up like a woman getting beat yet again for doing nothing more than bringing up a topic that her abuser doesn't want to hear.

The little voice that says, "He might kill me if I....He might do that if I...He might..." whatever he might do as a result of sharing your concern with him is a voice of caution, but it isn't meant to keep you in a place of stress, worry and fear.  Use that voice to motivate you to do something different!  How much longer will the victim continue to listen to that voice in her head that tells her in so many words, "Stay, it will get better."  But what if it doesn't?

Nicholl McGuire is the blogger who maintains this site and others.  She also wrote Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself, Amazon.com

The video might change the way you see domestic violence.

Deadly Conversation with an Abuser: Charming, Sweet

How many times have we heard abused women and men say that the relationship with their abusers started out nice?  The individual was "sweet, kind, funny, unique..." but what they overlooked in the conversation as they got to know one another was "my dad abused me...my mother repeatedly hurt me...I was sexually abused...I was beaten for nothing..." 

How many relationships had the abuser been in where he/she kicked, slapped, choked, pushed, or did something else violent prior to meeting the unsuspecting victim?  One might never know, but the key point in the conversation with a potential date a person should be paying attention to is, "I had been abused..." 

Many victims of abuse learn bad habits, reactions, and other negative things from being with abusers.  They can become increasingly violent, jealous, angry, and emotional in the best of relationships because of trigger statements, familiar behaviors and reactions from a partner, and other things that might take their minds back to a bad time in their lives.  Some victims, turned survivors, will end relationships if they should experience any discomfort that looks or sounds like something they encountered in a past partnership.

While the charmer is charming, the listener should be looking at scars on hands, around eyes, wrists, arms, face, chest and any other noticeable place.  Don't permit the lies to deceive what your eyes are telling you.  Scratches here and there, bite marks, burns and other things don't always come from freak accidents, childhood incidents, and more.  Watch the facial expression as the story is being told, ask detailed questions and notice whether the charmer is becoming visibly angry because of your inquiries.  Most likely, he or she is going to come up with an excuse to hide his or her upset.  When the time comes, mention the story you were told to someone in his or her family and watch that person's reaction too.

The polite conversation, the flirty statements, and the compliments are all tactics that players, pimps, hustlers, and even the nice, rich professional use with a dark past.  He or she tells you what you most like to hear.  If you share problems, these individuals know how to provide solutions.  If you tell them your plans for the future, they know how to include themselves in your plans.  If you are beautiful, one of a kind, in their eyes, they know how to keep you close--real close to the point that you start to weary of them.  Yet, the unsuspecting never pays attention to the signs, he or she ignores them, doesn't take what he or she sees in someone else seriously.  They wish away all things negative while suffocating one's protective defenses. 

"I don't want to come off as mean...I really want to be viewed as nice...I don't want him/her to think I am a bad person, but there is something wrong with this person seated before me."  Welcome those alerts--embrace them!  "There is something a bit off about this guy...I really don't like him that much...I wish he would stop talking to me." Self-talk is powerful--do it, don't quiet it, no matter how mean you might sound to yourself!

Think of the many men and women who avoided crazy relationships because they listened to their gut so to speak.  They escaped train wrecks with mentally disturbed people because they didn't quiet their instincts during those initial conversations.  If something appeared strange, weird, or troubled about the person, they politely ended their chat and moved on with their lives.

Nicholl McGuire


   

Nonprofit Group Raises Funds for Victims of Domestic Violence at 2014 Tea Fundraiser

Shepherd's Door Domestic Violence Resource Center hosted their 9th Annual Tea and Brunch Fundraiser on Saturday, July 19, 2014 at the beautiful Langham Huntington Hotel and Spa located in Pasadena CA.  The founder of the center, Linda Offray, hosted the event and included special guests like Anchorwoman Denise Dador, ABC7, U.S. Congresswoman, Judy Chu, Saxophonist Varetta Hidelberg, Comedian Sunda Croonquist, and representatives from the Kaiser Foundation.  Blogger of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Nicholl McGuire, was in attendance.  To learn more about future events and services offered, click here: Shepherd's Door

Denise Dador, Linda Offray and Nicholl McGuire

Sunda Croonquist, Judy Chu, Linda Offray, and Denise Dador.

Destructive, Manipulative Partner and Too Blind to See

How many times will a victim of abuse make excuses, ignore, lie, or cover up what his or her partner has become?  What will it take for the victim to leave?

The timing is never right when it comes to leaving an abuser especially when the victim refuses to see the destruction and manipulation in what he or she still feels is a healthy, normal relationship.  The delusional one might want to re-educate his or herself on what a non-abusive relationship looks like where cursing, fighting, silent treatment, and acting jealous and controlling is non-existent.  There are such relationships, believe it or not! 

People who assume it is always the other person's fault tend not to see what they need to do to end the blame game.  They live their lives blaming others for everything, but rarely if ever, themselves.  These are definitely the wrong people to talk to when it comes to your personal challenges.  After one has been with an abuser for so long, the lines of right and wrong get twisted like the story one's abusive partner gives to hide cheating, stealing, or lying in the relationship.

People who are hell-bent on proving that the victim deserved one's hurtful remarks, hits, silent treatment, cheating episodes, and the like, know how to play the role of victim themselves.  Ignorant relatives and friends will quickly side with the one who is often complaining about his or her partner while sharing his or her woes.  "I just wish she would act more like...I hate it when he...you know how he is...Remember when I told you about..." cleverly they blame others while hiding the many lies, insults and other things they did to cause the chaos in the home in the first place! 

As much as a victim of emotional and/or mental abuse would love to tell all what is really going on in the household, he or she refrains from sharing such details, since the individual reasons that most people, who have busy lives--filled with their own personal dramas--could care less.  This is why a victim must seek professional help from those who are employed to help hurting people rather than keeping hurt bottled up inside for fear of what loved ones might think.  Many of these victims will attempt to focus on anything they deem positive in the relationship and exaggerate those things just so that they don't have to face the truth about their abusive partnership.

Most victims recognize they are being treated wrongly by partners but having the courage and motivation to end the abuse is what they lack.  It can be difficult to plan to free one's self from an abuser especially during a time when one has very little money and reliable connections.  The thought of having to move from familiar territory can be overwhelming.  Sometimes it is easier for some victims to just wish or pray the destruction and manipulation away, rather than move.  Yet, the pain of abuse only worsens the longer one stays particularly if one's partner is suffering from some kind of mental breakdown.

If you're in an abusive situation, see the truth for what it is, you are in a difficult situation, but you must plan to remove yourself from it if you hope to preserve your sanity.

If you know of someone in an abusive relationship, listen, before you advise, and allow the person to walk you through their situation.  Ask him or her questions that will cause you to think.  Avoid the temptation to be angry or critical.  Offer your assistance.  But if you are in a similar situation, just know that the blind can't lead the blind.  Get the help you need before attempting to help someone else.

Nicholl McGuire